


The Stick of Truth

by DarkNasa



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M, Theres other characters as well, au where the new kid isnt there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-27
Updated: 2014-04-06
Packaged: 2018-01-17 05:48:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1376140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkNasa/pseuds/DarkNasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the "new kid" wasn't able to play with them due to being too old? Well this is what would happen. Maybe. Probably not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Kid isn't coming.

Cartman stood by the stick of truth, staring at it, sighing a bit. When will Paladin Butters bring the “New Kid”? When will their kingdom grow? He could hear Butters crying in the distance as an elf beat him up. The wizard just sighed, not bothering to move. It was the paladin’s fault. He didn’t have to do shit all to help him. The stick couldn’t go unguarded. Of course, losing the paladin would be a blow to their whole army. He was one of their only two healers. There’s also the horrifying chance that the elves could capture Butters, and hold him hostage until they get the stick.

 

“Clyde, go get Butters.”

 

Clyde smiled, heading off to go save the paladin. Finally. Some sort of fight! He hadn’t been able to leave that shop to go fight, Cartman wanting everything to be ready for the New Kid. New Kid huh? More like Douchebag. Clyde made it through the Grand Wizard’s home, reaching the street before heading towards Butters’ house. He could see him getting beaten up in the distance, crying for help. Right next to his own house. Wow. Great job parents you once again show how useless you really are. Clyde got over to them, wasting no time in hitting the elf kid over the head with his sword’s hilt.

 

“OW! That’s cheating! I’m telling the king!”

 

He ran off as Clyde held out his hand to Butters, the younger taking up the offer and getting back onto his feet.

 

“Thanks Clyde. I didn’t see that he had a health potion till it was too late.”

 

“No problem. I was looking for someone to fight anyways. Have you met the new kid yet?”

 

“No. I asked the people who just moved in and they didn’t have a kid our age. He’s a lot older and can’t really help us.”

 

“Damn, that sucks.”

 

“We should get back to the grand wizard. Let’s get going.”

 

The blond walked up ahead, heading back towards the keep. Clyde followed him silently, not feeling like talking to Butters at the moment. He looked around, looking for his friends Token, Tweek, and Craig. Where were they anyway? How much longer would they be before they get to the keep so they can protect the stick? The elves were sure to attack anytime soon. They swore they could hear Cartman yelling in the distance about elves.

 

“Aw shit we have to hurry!”

 

Butters started running, heading into Cartman’s house and towards the backyard. Clyde just calmly followed, sighing a bit. Soon. Soon he’ll have the stick and he will rule all of Zaron. He’ll just have to wait for one big fight to break out between the two factions. Then… the stick of truth will be his. Clyde had a plan for this. He just needed to get an army together at his house. Craig had agreed to join his side already. Zaron will be his. He will win this entire game.

 

When he got through the door and into the backyard, it was a battlefield. Literally. Elves laid knocked out here and there. Scott and the cat were also laying nearby. The only ones still standing were Cartman, Kenny and Butters. Clyde ran over, deciding to help the three of them. It was already too late though. As the Bard had decided to make an appearance.

 

“W-Well hel-hello there we-weaklings! Re-Remember me?”

 

“Oh GOD DAMN IT! It’s the Bard! Quickly, Butters, Hammer of Justice! Piss him off so he can’t-”

 

The Bard started playing his song, Butters, Kenny and Cartman already falling asleep while Clyde tried to stay awake. Once the song was finished, Jimmy went into the tent, grabbing the stick of truth. Clyde rubbed his eyes, somehow managing to stay awake the entire time. However, he was half asleep, unaware of what exactly was happening.

 

“Elves! W-We have the st-stick of truth! Let’s g-go back to the I-Inn of the G-Giggling Donkey s-so we can me-message the Elf K-King!”

 

“Bard, you do know that Clyde isn’t asleep yet. You just gave away our plan.”

 

“O-Oh is that s-so?”

 

The Inn of the Giggling Donkey? That’s where they’re taking the stick? Clyde shook his head, finally waking up and glaring at the elves.

 

“You aren’t taking the stick without a fight elves!”

 

“C-Clyde, you’re 1 ag-against many. Th-There’s no w-way for you to win. Put your we-weapon down and come wi-with us.”

 

“Oh hell no. I’m going to fight.”

 

“Y-You know too much Cl-Clyde. You ha-have to come with us.”

 

“No I don’t! I’m going to fight!”

 

“No y-you ar-aren’t.”

 

Before Clyde knew what had happened, his arms were tied behind his back, forcing him to drop his sword.

 

“Shit!”

 

“N-Not so co-coc-co-cocky now are we?”

 

“Shut up Jimmy!”

 

“Th-That’s The Bard t-to you we-weakling! E-Elves, le-let’s take him and the st-stick to the inn. W-We need t-to leave b-before the other hu-human scum wa-wake up!”

 

Two elves stood on either side of Clyde, grabbing his arms and leading him away with the Bard holding the stick, following them. He couldn’t believe he just got captured by the enemy. How did he just manage to get captured by the elves? The elves were keeping their eyes on him, making sure he didn’t try to escape. Of course, why would he try? He doesn’t have a weapon. There was no point to try to escape. He’d just have to hope that the other humans come to get him and the stick back. Once they reached the inn, the Bard led him down into the darkest part of the basement, getting him to sit down.

 

“Hey, Jimmy, if they don’t come for me and the stick today can I just go home and come right back after sleeping?”

 

“W-Well o-of course! D-Don’t want any-anyone getting g-grounded just f-for a game!”

 

“Alright thanks.”

 

Jimmy walked away from him, keeping watch in case the humans arrived. Clyde’s arms were sore from being tied up, but there’s nothing that can be done about that. He’ll just have to wait until it was either time to leave or for the humans to get there to save him and the stick. He was still tired from Jimmy’s song but he didn’t feel like sleeping at the moment. He had to stay awake in case more of Jimmy’s plan was revealed.

 

\-------------------

 

Kenny groaned as he started to wake up, sitting up to look around. The elves were gone. But so was the stick and Clyde. All that remained of Clyde was his sword. Kenny walked over to Cartman, shaking the wizard awake.

 

“Where’s the stick?!”

 

Kenny shrugged, his words muffled like always, “Gone. Clyde’s gone too. They might have taken him hostage.”

 

“GOD DAMN IT! He’s our god damn shopkeeper, they can’t take our shopkeeper! That’s cheating!”

 

“They have the stick. They can do what they want.”

 

“MOTHERFUCKERS. Kenny, get the rest of the army up. I’ll contact Token. You and Butters need to go get Craig and Tweek. We need to get the stick and Clyde back.”

 

Kenny nodded, walking over to Butters and trying to get him to wake up. The boy groaned, mumbling something about not wanting to wake up. Kenny rolled his eyes, shaking the Paladin until he woke up.

 

“AH! Oh, hey Princess Kenny.”

 

Kenny quickly explained the situation to Butters, the Paladin nodding each time he said a word. Kenny walked over to Scott, getting him up as well. Butters stood next to the door, waiting for Kenny to get over there so they can go get Tweek and Craig.

 

\------------

 

“H-Hey Clyde, d-do you want a dr-drink?”

 

“Oh. Yeah sure.”

 

“Wh-What would you l-like?”

 

“I’m kinda thirsty so can you just get me a water bottle?”

 

“S-Sure thing C-Clyde!”

 

“Thanks.”

 

The fact that the Bard was being kind to him wasn’t surprising in the least. Once Jimmy returned, he untied his arms and gave him the water. Clyde didn’t bother doing anything but drink the water.

 

“So Clyde, I-I ha-have a plan. Y-You ha-hate the wi-wizard king right?”

 

“I’ll be honest, yeah.”

 

“W-Well he-here’s my plan…”

 

\------------------

 

“AGH! YOU GUYS NEED ME NOW?! I have too much to do! AGGGH!”

 

Tweek pulled at his hair, shaking from all the coffee that he drinks on a daily basis. The two in front of him needed his help and he couldn’t help because of his chores.

 

“Well gee… Maybe we could help Tweek?”

 

“Really?! You’ll help?! Aw man, thanks guys! Just go get today’s pickup- Give the guys at Kenny’s house this envelope! They’ll give you the delivery!”

 

Kenny took the envelope, nodding at Tweek. The two of them headed out, going to Kenny’s house which was at the end of the street they all live on.

 

\--------------

 

“Wait you want me to betray the humans?”

 

“Y-Yeah! I-It’ll be great!”

 

“I can’t. Craig’s on their side.”

 

“O-Oh ri-right I fo-forgot you t-two were fu-fuck bud-buddies.”

 

“We are not! We’re just really good friends!”

 

“W-What if I-I get Craig t-to jo-join us?”

 

“Then I’ll join you. But unless you do that, I’m staying with the humans.”

 

Clyde finished drinking the water, letting Jimmy tie his arms behind his back again. The Bard walked off, going to get things ready for the upcoming battle. This was going to be a long, boring, hour until the others finally get there. He felt his phone vibrate, sighing. His dad was probably calling again and he couldn’t answer.

 

\------------------------

 

“OH SHIT! IT’S THE COPS!”

 

“We’re not cops!”

 

Too late, the adults weren’t listening. They would have to fight them just for the order. Beer bottles got thrown at them and Butters pulled out his hammer, walking over to them and holding up his hammer, waiting for lightning to strike it. The lightning hit, Butters managing to direct it to the adults. It wasn’t hard to beat them, getting struck by redirected lightning is hard to survive. Kenny dealt with the last one with three arrows to the gut.

 

“Did we kill them?”

 

“Probably.”

 

“Aw hamburgers I’m going to get grounded for this…”

 

“Let’s just get the order and get out of here.”

 

Kenny grabbed the package, heading outside with Butters following him. Now they just had to walk down the street and give Tweek the package. It didn’t take long to reach the coffee shop, as it wasn’t too far away from Kenny’s house. In fact, everything in the town was close together. It was just three blocks all around from the center of the town. Butters walked into the backroom to give Tweek the order, not noticing that Kenny had decided to buy some coffee using the money that Butters gave him.

 

“OH! YOU GOT THE ORDER! Aw thanks Butters! I owe you one! Hey, Dad! I got all my work done? Can I go play?”

 

“Did you get the delivery for today?”

 

“Yep! Right here!”

 

Mr.Tweak took the order from his son, taste testing it, “Yep. That’s good shit. Alright Tweek, you can go play. Just be home before dark or you’ll be grounded. Grounded. Like the fresh, organic, local coffee blend, made by local Tweakers. Made Locally.”

 

“Alright dad! Butters, I’ll be at the keep once I get changed.”

 

“Alright. See you in a bit Tweek. Come on Kenny let’s go get Craig-”

 

“Craig’s in detention.”

 

“What?”

 

“He’s in detention man! He flipped off the principal.”

 

“Well we’ll have to tell Eric about this… Kenny let’s go.”

\----------------

 

“Come on Token, you would be a great blacksmith!”

 

“No. My class is healer. I’m not becoming a blacksmith.”

 

“Come on, I look at you and think ‘Blacksmith’”

 

“... Cartman get your head out of your ass.”

 

“HEY!”

 

Butters, Tweek, and Kenny arrived just in time to stop a fight from breaking out. Cartman cleared his throat, looking over at them.

 

“Hello warriors of Zaron- Where’s Craig? Where’s my level 12 thief?”

 

“He’s in detention.”

 

“Again? God damn it Craig. Alright we’ll have to break him out.”

 

Tweek yelled, pulling on his hair again, “NO WAY MAN! Last time we broke Craig out we all got in trouble!”

 

“Well, we’ll have to send Butters and Kenny again. Those two should be able to break him out without causing too much chaos.”

 

Butters groaned, “I’m going to get grounded…”

 

“Not if you don’t get caught by the gingers. Also if you get bit, don’t come back and infect the rest of us.”

 

Butters and Kenny sighed, heading out to go to the school.

 

\-----------------

 

“Craig, stop looking at your watch! You’re here for 3 hours mister! Mkay?! Get to doing your homework!”

 

“My name is Feldspar and I’m a level 12 thief and the humans will soon save me from this tower.”

 

“No. Your name is fucking CRAIG TUCKER and you’re in DETENTION. Now get to work mkay? I have hallway monitors working over time! Your friends aren’t going to break you out this time mkay?”

  
“I’ll be out in 10 minutes.”


	2. Craig and the Bard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I switch pronouns for Kenny cause that's what seems to happen a lot in the game. I honestly do not know what to use for him.

“Excuse me! School is out and no one is allowed on the premises until 7:30 in the morning tomorrow.”

 

Butters and Kenny exchanged glances, before looking at the hall monitor. They had no intention of leaving Craig here for 3 hours. Kenny walked over, pulling out a mirror and hitting the kid over the head with it. He was knocked out right away. Too easy really. The two of them walked through the door to the right, encountering more hallway monitor who created a barricade in the hallway. One of them grabbed his radio.

 

“Mr.Mackey! We have two students here and I think they’re here to bust out the detention students!”

 

“Write them a referral and send them here. We need to stop them. Use force if you have to. Mkay?”

 

Craig’s voice could be heard over the radio, “Heeeeere they come.”

 

“Shut up Craig! They aren’t getting you out. Because in order to do that they’d have to get the brass key and then the silver key and then the gold key. Mkay? And even if they do that they would have to get through the boss! You aren’t getting out of here! Mkay?”

 

“Like I said earlier, I’ll be out in ten minutes.”

 

The ginger finally spoke up, “Mr. Mackey, they could hear you through my radio.”

 

“Why did you keep it on, mkay?”

 

“I wasn’t thinking.”

 

“Step up your game mkay. Get referrals written and get them over here.”

 

The monitor turned off his radio, grabbing a pair of scissors, “You wanna fight? Bring it. You aren’t getting past us.”

 

Kenny giggled, before pulling his shirt down and looking over at the hallway monitors. They put their weapons down for the time being, putting the barricade down before heading towards Kenny. The princess hit them over the head with his mirror, giggling a bit before pulling his shirt back up and looking at Butters.

 

“Alright let’s go save Craig.”

 

Butters nodded, climbing over the fallen barricade and heading towards Mackey’s office. As expected, it was locked. Butters saw another hall monitor patrolling, the Paladin sneaking closer before throwing his hammer at him. He knocked the kid out right away, before walking over and picking up his hammer again. Kenny followed him, the two of them keeping an eye out for the dreaded leader of the gingers- the one that was rumored to have a zillion freckles and a clipboard made of human bone.

 

“The holder of the brass key will not fall!”

 

Of course the hallway monitors put up a fence between them and the key. Of course. Butters looked over at Kenny, smiling as he knew exactly what to do at this very moment in time. Kenny tricked one of the gingers into opening the fence gate, soon knocking him out with his mirror again. The two of them turned the corner, seeing three more hallway monitors and the brass key in one of their hands. Kenny shot the bulletin board, getting it to fall and knock out two of them, leaving only the one that had the key standing. He looked between the two of them, before putting down the key and pulling out a pair of scissors and a clipboard as a shield.

 

“Well?! Bring it on. I’m gonna win!”

 

Kenny destroyed the clipboard with three quick arrows, allowing Butters to throw his hammer at him. The hammer hit the kid in the head, knocking him down already. He grabbed his radio, turning it on to report to Mackey as Butters picked up the brass key and headed off towards the staff room.

 

“We’re taking heavy casualties out here! They have the brass key!”

 

“You hall monitors need to step up your fuckin’ game! Mkay? How hard is it to write them a damn referral?”

 

“Really hard when they’re kicking our asses! They’re some sort of dragonborns or something!”

 

“This isn’t dungeon and dragons mkay? Now get back to work!”

 

The staff room had four hall monitors, all of them ready for a fight. Butters knocked the cigarette tray down, making it hit the fireworks in the box before taking cover. The fireworks went flying, knocking out three of the gingers and forcing the last one near an unstable tower of books. Kenny shot the books, making them fall on the kid. Butters got through it, breaking the table that was in the way before reaching the injured boy in the back. He rubbed the boy’s back, healing him.

 

“Hey there little buddy.”

 

“Thanks so much. There were too many of them, their hair too red. Here’s the silver key. Succeed where I failed. Free Mackey’s prisoners!”

 

He ran off after giving Butters the key. Butters and Kenny walked out of the room and into Mackey’s office. The two of them tiptoed around, looking for the gold key. Kenny noticed it on the highest shelf, shooting it to knock it down so he could pick it up.

 

“The gold key… no human has ever laid their hands on it before. Let’s hope it holds the power to unlock the cafeteria door.”

 

Kenny walked out of the room with Butters following him. The two of them reaching the cafeteria once more. Kenny tried to unlock the door quickly, before the key got stuck.

 

“Aw shit.”

 

He heard someone behind him and it wasn’t Butters.

 

“Do you have a hall pass?”

 

Butters and Kenny turned to see the Hall Monitor Boss, grinning at them. He had a dodgeball that was connected to a stick by a metal chain.

 

“No? Then I’ll have to write you a referral.”

 

He swung the dodgeball, letting it hit the ground before Mackey was heard through the door.

 

“There’s the boss, mkay! Have fun beating the boss! Do you two still think this is a game mkay?!”

 

Kenny just barely managed to block an attack, moving to the side before shooting at the boss. He laughed, kicking Butters to the side before the Paladin could get close enough with his hammer. He pulled out his radio, calling up two other hall monitors.

 

“Use of deadly force authorized.”

 

Butters raised his hammer, trying to get lightning to hit it. The lightning hit, allowing Butters to redirect it so it hit and knocked out the two new hall monitors right away. While Butters dealt with them, Kenny was left with having to try to deal with the boss himself. He sung a song, getting rats to appear and swarm around him, before they started climbing all over him. Kenny freaked out, trying to get the rats off of him only to fail. He ended up getting killed by the rats, but they rammed into the boss, knocking him down.

 

“Oh my god! You killed Kenny!”

 

Craig’s voice was distant but could still be heard, “You bastards!”

 

Luckily, Kenny reappeared seconds later, acting as if nothing had just happened and began opening the door. The key got unstuck, breaking as the door opened. The students in detention rushed out, with Mackey following them.

 

“DAMN YOU CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIG!”

 

\---------------------------

 

The three of them stood at the bus stop, having ran all the way there to avoid Mackey. The last thing they wanted was to get dragged in there for three hours. Craig turned to them, grinning a bit.

 

“Thanks for the help you two. I never thought you two would be willing to run in there to save my sorry ass. Usually Clyde does it.”

 

“Speaking of Clyde… He got taken hostage by the elves.”

 

“Are you serious?”

 

“Yeah. They also took the stick. We need to go to the Inn of the Giggling Donkey to get the stick and Clyde back.”

 

“How did he manage to get himself captured?”

 

“I don’t know. But somehow he did.”

 

“Ugh. Alright. I’ll meet you two back at Kupa Keep. See ya.”

 

Craig walked off, going towards Cartman’s house. Kenny and Butters followed, Butters having to take a quick break at his house because his head hurt from the hall monitor kicking him into the wall. Once he felt better, Butters ran over, meeting up with the other warriors of Kupa Keep.

 

“Alright! We can now go get the stick back fellas! Sorry I took so long. My head is killing me.”

 

“Getting kicked into a wall tends to do that.”

 

Cartman rolled his eyes, “Alright so, the carrier raven said that the Bard is at the Inn of the Giggling Donkey. Hopefully that is where they are keeping Clyde as well. We need to get in there and find Clyde and the stick. Me, Butters, and Princess Kenny will go in through the front, Craig, we need you to go into the cellar and try to team up with Butters, who we’ll send down there, and look for Clyde. Me and Kenny will find out the whereabouts of the Bard. Tweek and Token, stay near the doors. Should we need help you two need to get in there and help us. Everyone got that?”

 

Everyone nodded, heading out to get to the Inn. It was time to get Clyde and the stick back. When they got there, Kenny, Butters, and Cartman walked in as planned, Tweek and Token hiding in the bushes. Craig snuck around the back, finding a cellar window. It was too dark to see down there and the window was locked. Great. How was he suppose to see if Clyde was down there now?

 

He saw the bard go towards a dark corner in the room, pulling Clyde out. There he was. Craig felt relieved, knowing that his best friend was okay. But other elves appeared, taking Clyde away. Craig glared at them through the window, wanting to do something but being unable to open the window. Clyde looked up at the window, smiling a bit when he saw Craig. Craig hit the window, trying to break it. The elves just ignored him, taking Clyde upstairs and into the kitchen where Craig would be unable to get to unless he got the window open.

 

\---------

 

“Butters, head down there and get the Bard out of there. Me and Kenny will be here to kill him.”

 

Butters nodded, heading down the stairs. He saw Craig hitting the window, the paladin managing to break it open by throwing his hammer at it. Craig got through, bringing the hammer with him and passing it back to Butters.

 

“Thanks. Also I saw where they took Clyde! They took him upstairs! Did you see him?”

 

“No. He might be in the kitchen in this case.”

 

“Let’s kick the Bard’s ass then go get Clyde back.”

 

Butters nodded, leading Craig deeper into the cellar, looking for Jimmy. A tune was heard, slowly getting louder, and more painful to listen to. The two of them covered their ears, seeing Jimmy appear from the shadows.

 

“P-Prepare for b-battle weaklings! Elves, f-fall in!”

 

They were surrounded. Cartman yelled something from the top of the stairs, but he and Kenny got dragged away. It was just Craig and Butters now. What could they even do?

 

“Y-You were f-fools to come here! N-Now I’ll power up my e-elves with magi-magical songs of encha- magical songs of en-encha- magical songs of e-enchant-enchanaaa-”

 

Craig sighed, looking around for a quick way out of the battle while Jimmy stuttered. That’s when he found a way. He’ll clone himself and get the clones to fight the elves while he and Butters leave to go save the others. It was a fool proof plan. Craig copied himself, dragging Butters away and leaving the Bard and his elves to deal with his copies. Butters followed Craig to the stairs, the two of them heading out and into the kitchen, finding Clyde tied up and some elves beating up Cartman. Cartman was on the ground, not even trying to fight back. It was a quick fight, and the elves laid on the ground, defeated. Butters got to healing Cartman, while Craig ran over to Clyde, untying him.

 

“Clyde, sorry it took us so long man. Are you alright?”

 

“Yeah I’m fine. They took Princess Kenny upstairs. You and Butters should go and save her.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah I’m sure Craig. I’ll get wizard fatass to get up.”

 

Craig smiled, nodding at Clyde before looking over at Butters and Cartman. Cartman was refusing to get up, and Craig could hear Jimmy passing the kitchen door to get upstairs to where the stick was.

 

“Come on Butters. Let’s go kick some ass.”

 

The paladin smiled, heading out and hearing Tweek through the door. Craig threw his knife at the wires that were  holding a lamp up, causing it to fall on one of the elves’ heads. An Elven Anti-Magician stood there, watching them closely. Craig ran over to the door, opening it and allowing Token and Tweek in. Token headed towards the kitchen while Tweek took on the anti-magician by himself.

 

“Keep going guys! You need to save the Princess!”

 

Butters stayed, deciding to help Tweek fight. Craig went on ahead to save Kenny, waking into the only open room. Kenny was tied up on the bed, with an elf jumping on the bed. How would he get up there anyway?

 

He threw a knife at the lamp, getting it loose and making it fall so it was a wire that would allow him to slide down and break the bed. Craig broke as much as he could, climbing up and to the wire, sliding down it and landing on the bed hard enough to break it and knock out the elf. Kenny cheered, clapping once Craig freed him from the rope. The two of them got off the bed, heading into the hallway again. Clyde, Cartman, Token, Tweek, and Butters were there, waiting for them.

 

“Princess Kenny! Are you alright?”

 

“Yeah I’m fine you guys.”

 

“Alright Good. Let’s kick the Bard’s ass.”

 

Cartman reached for the door knob, messing with it. Nothing. It was stuck or something. Or Jimmy was holding the hammer. Cartman glared at the door before hitting it with his staff.

 

“YOU CAN’T HOLD THE DOOR KNOB BARD! THAT’S CHEATING!”

 

“N-No it isn’t! I-I have th-the stick and I say h-holding the door knob is OK!”

 

“Shit. Can he do that?”

 

Craig walked over to the door, trying to open it as well before sighing, “He has the stick he can do what he wants.”

 

“Motherfucker. Ok, we need to get into the attic and go around. Hey, pissy elf! Put the ladder down before we kick your ass!”

 

“Hell no! There’s no way I’m going down there! Kiss my ass!”

 

Kenny walked over, pulling his shirt down again and giggling. The elf instantly put the ladder down, going over to Kenny. The Princess pulled out her mirror, hitting the elf over the head.

 

“Good going. Princess gone wild. Double D Buddy powers.”

 

Craig rolled his eyes, “Ok, who’s going with him to beat up the bard?”

 

“You.”

 

“What?”

 

“Craig, you’re the strongest here.”

 

“So I have to beat up Jimmy?”

 

“Yes. Now you two get up there.”

 

“Wouldn’t it be better for a healer and someone who could attack to go? Like Butters and Kenny seem like an overpowered team.”

 

“Craig, I’m the king. You have to do what I say or else you can’t play.”

 

Craig rolled his eyes, before following Kenny up the ladder. Once again, there were elves in the attic, that they have to either get past or fight. Craig climbed onto the dresser in the back, trying to avoid fighting the elves as he threw his knife at the shelf, making the chest fall and break the floor to allow them to get into Jimmy’s room. Kenny distracted the elves and hit them over the head with his mirror. Craig dropped down, walking over to the hole and jumping down. He turned and opened the door, letting the others in. Kenny jumped down soon after. Cartman walked over, glaring at Jimmy.

 

“Well what do you have to say for yourself Bard?”

 

“F-Foolish mo-mortals! I-I’m a level 10 Bard and y-you are weak! Come n-now and meet your d-des-de- Come now and meet your de-deeees- Come now and meet your deeeee- Co-come now and me-meet your- your destiny!”

 

“Say all you want Bard! Feldspar, get him!”

 

“Feldspar?”

 

“That’s Craig to you! Kick his ass Craig.”

 

Jimmy took out his flute, playing a song to get bardic mice to help him. Kenny sang a song, getting rats to swarm around him. Only for the rats to start climbing on him, causing Kenny to freak out again. Kenny managed to get the rats to calm down, before sending them at Jimmy. The rats killed the mice, swarming Jimmy and biting him before the bard got the rats off of himself.

 

Craig disappeared into the shadows, reappearing behind Jimmy before stabbing him in the back. Well, pretending to anyway. Can’t have actual death in this. Not yet anyway. Jimmy pulled out his flute, playing a lullaby. Kenny fell asleep, but Craig stayed up, rubbing his eyes. Craig pulled out a water bottle, pouring the water on Kenny to wake him up. The princess got up, drying herself off before glaring at Jimmy. He fired arrows at him, trying to knock him out.

 

“I-It’s t-time for a terrif-terrific performance! S-So terrific t-that you just m-might shit your pants!”

 

Jimmy pulled out his flute, playing the brown note. Kenny covered his ears, making sure he didn’t hear it. Craig wasn’t as lucky, managing to block some, but not all of the brown note. He looked down, sighing when he figured out that he shit his pants. He looked back at Jimmy and flipped him off.

 

“Fuck you. I thought you said you weren’t going to use that.”

 

“I-I have the st-stick, I can do w-what I want.”

 

“You made me shit my pants I have to go and clean my fucking costume now!”

 

While Jimmy and Craig fought, Kenny snuck up behind Jimmy, hitting him over the head with his mirror and knocking him out. Cartman cheered, going over and picking up the stick.

 

“The Stick of Truth is ours!”

 

The humans cheered, while Craig walked off.

 

“Hey, Craig where are you going?”

 

“I shit myself thanks to Jimmy. I need to go have a shower and clean my armor.”

 

Craig left before Cartman could say anything else. The Grand Wizard led his army out, heading back towards Kupa Keep to put the stick back in it’s rightful place. Once Craig got home, he had to face his dad, who was wondering why he smelled like shit (Craig’s excuse was that he fell into some trash in the sewers), and head upstairs. He got new clothes and put the others in the washing machine before getting into the shower like planned.

 

\------

 

“The stick is back in it’s rightful place!”

 

Cheers filled Kupa Keep, the ten year olds high fiving each other. Butters and Kenny hugged, before pulling away and watching Cartman, waiting for him to continue his speech.

 

“Humans of Zaron, we couldn’t have done this without Craig. But of course the pussy didn’t want to come. He just wanted to go get a shower after shitting himself.”

 

Clyde sighed, “I would have done the same.”

 

The rest of the Keep nodded in agreement with Clyde. And that’s when Cartman’s mother walked in.

 

“Eric, honey, it’s time for bed.”

 

“Thanks for pointing out bedtime for everyone mom.”

 

“It’s time for you and your little druid friends to-”

 

“WE’RE NOT DRUIDS MOM! WE’RE FUCKING WARRIORS AND WIZARDS!”

 

“That’s it. It’s time for bed. You kids should get home as well.”

 

As Cartman was dragged inside by his mom, the others headed home, unaware of what was going to happen in the early morning.

 

\-----------

 

“Good night Craig. Be up early for school tomorrow.”

 

“Alright dad. Good night.”

  
Craig’s dad shut off the lights, closing the door and going to his bedroom. Craig laid there, yawning and trying to fall asleep. Just as he started falling asleep, a light from his window woke him up, leaving him staring up into 4 pairs of alien eyes.

  
Then everything went black.


	3. Aliens and Goths

Craig slowly came to, finding that he was getting dragged away. He groaned, trying to figure out what was dragging him. He looked over, seeing an alien dragging him towards their ship. He sighed, pulling out his phone to contact Clyde, hoping that his friend was still awake. He called him, waiting for him to pick up.

 

Clyde’s voice was heard seconds later, and he sounded tired.

 

“What is it Craig? I’m tired…”

 

“Aliens are abducting me.”

 

“What?”

 

“I’m being dragged away by aliens.”

 

“Craig go to sleep you’re hallucinating or something.”

 

“Do you not hear me getting dragged?”

 

“I’m too tired to think. I need sleep Craig.”

 

“No, seriously, Clyde I need help. I have no idea where I am. If you think I’m bullshitting you go to my house. I won’t be there. Get my parents and tell them that I’m missing. To be honest I’ll rather be grounded than probed by aliens.”

 

“Craig. It’s 11 at night…”

 

“Clyde. I need help.”

 

“Fine, fine. I’ll go to your house and climb through the window. If you’re just having one of those wierd ass nightmares again I’m going to just leave.”

 

Clyde hanged up the phone, leaving Craig stuck with the aliens. Craig put his phone back in his pocket, blacking out as his head hit a rock.

 

When he came to, he found himself on the ship, hearing his phone ringing. His ass was sore, which told him that he was passed out for the whole thing. He looked around, not seeing the aliens. He picked up his phone, answering it.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Alright Craig, where the fuck are you?”

 

“I’m on an alien ship with a sore ass.”

 

“Your parents are looking all over the town for you man, we can’t find you.”

 

“Clyde, I told you, I got abducted by aliens.”

 

“No you didn’t. Aliens don’t exist.”

 

“What will make you believe me?”

 

“Make the ship crash. Then I’ll believe you.”

 

“Fine. Give me twenty minutes.”

 

Craig hanged up his phone, grabbing his dagger. He got up, looking around the room he was in. The aliens weren’t watching him. Their mistake. He tried walking out, getting stopped by a barrier. Well, damn. He could swear he could hear Cartman, and his thoughts were confirmed when the wizard walked into his room, turning off the forcefield.

 

“Hey Cartman, didn’t think that I would see you here.”

 

“Ok, Craig, do you have anyway off this ship?”

 

“I was planning on crashing it.”

 

“Good plan. Let’s do that. We’ll have to beat up the pilots after turning off the alarms.”

 

“How do we do that?”

 

“I don’t know. But we can try. If we fail let’s just crash it.”

 

Craig followed Cartman, trying to ignore the annoying as hell alarm. Craig saw a bunch of alien bodies, assuming that it was Cartman that killed them. They went down the elevator, going across to the security room once they were in the lower parts of the ship. Craig walked over to the control panel, quickly managing to turn it off.

 

“You did it?!”

 

“Yeah. It wasn’t hard to turn it off.”

 

“Ok, let’s go crash this piece of shit.”

 

Cartman ran off, going towards the elevator again. Craig ended up following again, the two of them going up the elevator, only to end up in another elevator seconds later.

 

“What’s with all the fucking elevators?”

 

“What’s with your mood? You’ve been so angry.”

 

“Let’s see… first, I shit myself today, two, I got abducted by aliens, and three, my ass hurts and I’m tired.”

 

“Damn your day has been shit.”

 

“Anyways you distract the pilots, I’ll crash this UFO.”

 

“Ugh… fiiiiine.”

 

Cartman pulled out his lighter, prepared to fight the aliens once the two of them walk through the door. Craig snuck over, opening the door and seeing the pilots. Cartman walked right in, getting into a fight with the pilots, who pulled out their ray guns and defence matrix. Craig snuck around Cartman’s firecloud that he created, sitting down in the pilot seat. He turned off the autopilot, directing the the ship towards the south park mall.

 

\--------------------------------

 

Clyde was tired. It had been an hour since Craig had told him that he would crash the UFO. There was still no sign of it. Craig’s parents were talking with the police about the disappearance  of their son. Clyde looked up at the sky, hoping that his dad wouldn’t mind that he was out this late. He saw something falling, blinking as he realized what it was.

 

“Oh shit.”

 

Seconds later, the UFO crashed into South Park mall, parts of it going flying. One part landed near Clyde, the boy stepping back a bit as green goo seeped from it. Clyde ran towards the crash site, hoping that his friend was alright. He had to be alright. Right? There’s no way that Craig was dead. There was no way he was dead.

 

“Craig?!”

 

There’s no way Craig is dead. No damn way.

 

“Craig!”

 

Inside the crashsite, Craig slowly woke up again, groaning a bit as he looked over at Cartman, who was trying to climb out. The thief rolled his eyes, kicking out a window and climbing out before helping Cartman out. He turned, walking off to get back home, only to get tackled to the ground by Clyde, who was crying.

 

“Holy shit man, I’m sorry I didn’t know I thought you were bullshitting me again! I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry!”

 

Craig stayed silent, rubbing Clyde’s back and trying to calm him down. Cartman was laughing, before taking a picture of Craig and Clyde before looking at his phone. The thief kept trying to calm down his friend, who wasn’t showing any signs of calming down anytime soon. He heard his parents yelling his name but he wasn’t really bothering to get up. He was focused on calming Clyde down.

 

“It’s alright Clyde. I would have probably done the same thing.”

 

“God, you two should just go make out and get this over with.”

 

Craig glared at Cartman before flipping him off, going back to calming down Clyde. The brunette was starting to calm down, rubbing his eyes a bit. Craig sat up, getting Clyde to move so Clyde wasn’t sitting on him. Clyde’s father had finally figured out that his son was missing, and was now standing by Craig’s parents. Cartman had gotten picked up by his mom, and was now heading home. However, Craig didn’t want to move much, mainly because his ass was still hurting. But now, Clyde was hugging him. If it calmed down his friend he was fine with it.

 

“Hey, Clyde, are you alright?”

 

“No.”

 

Craig yawned, sighing a bit, “Do you want to stay at my place for the night?”

 

“If your parents let me…”

 

“Mom? Dad?”

 

Craig’s parents looked over at Clyde’s father, the three of them talking. This was probably the only way to get Clyde to calm down to get some sort of sleep. He was probably still getting over the shock of the crash and the panic like state he got himself into when he thought Craig was dead. Clyde had decided to keep hugging Craig, yawning a bit.

 

“Alright Clyde, you can spend tonight at Craig’s house. Just be back in the morning to get your school stuff together.”

 

“Thanks dad!”

 

Clyde got up, pulling Craig up before going with Craig’s parents to head home. Craig smiled, yawning a bit. Alien ships suck when they stop you from sleeping.

 

As soon as they got to Craig’s house, both boys went upstairs to go to bed.

 

\-------------

 

“BUTTERS! OPEN THE DOOR!”

 

What did the wizard want now? Butters was still asleep, his parents having let him sleep in due to school being cancelled. The blond didn’t want to get up. He was still tired and didn’t feel like dealing with Cartman’s bullshit. Cartman opened the door himself, sneaking towards Butters.

 

“Hey, Butters. Get up. The elves took the fucking stick.”

 

No answer from the paladin.

 

“BUTTERS! GET THE FUCK UP!”

 

“Eric, I’m tired. Go away.”

 

“BUTTERS! THE FUCKING ELVES TOOK THE STICK!”

 

Butters could tell that he wasn’t going to win this fight, so he got up, yawning sleepily. Cartman passed Butters a note that was addressed to the goths, giving Cartman a confused look.

 

“Butters, I want you to go and recruit the goths. We need to get the stick from the asshole elves! I’ll go tell the others. Kenny will go with you since Clyde and Craig are busy being gay little fucks and cuddling.”

 

“What’s wrong with cuddling?”

 

“It’s GAY because they’re both GUYS.”

 

“It’s called PLATONIC cuddling.”

 

“Whatever, just get dressed then go meet up with Kenny. Get the goths on our side!”

 

Cartman left the room, allowing Butters to breathe a sigh of relief. The paladin got up, going over to his closet and getting his armor on. He grabbed his hammer as well, yawning before heading downstairs to go and meet up with Kenny.

 

Sure enough, Kenny was waiting outside. Smiling when he saw Butters. He walked over, motioning for Butters to lead the way. The paladin started heading for the school, hoping that it wouldn’t be too hard to recruit the goths.

 

\-----------------

 

Craig woke up to Clyde cuddling up to him, the brunette still snoring softly. Craig smiled a bit again, hugging Clyde as well. He was still tired, but he could hear Cartman fighting with his parents. The peacefulness won’t last long. Clyde seemed to be calmer in his sleep, staying close to the black haired boy. Craig could hear Cartman walking up the stairs, before knocking on the door.

 

“HEY, ASSHOLES, THE ELVES TOOK THE STICK!”

 

Likely story. More than likely Cartman was hiding the stick.

 

“Don’t care. We’ll be up later.”

 

“BUT CRAAAAAAAIG!”

 

“Fuck you Cartman. We’ll be up later.”

 

Cartman opened the door, “Get. The. Fuck. Up.”

 

“DAAAAAAAAD?! CAN YOU GET CARTMAN OUT OF HERE?! CLYDE’S STILL SLEEPING!”

 

“No! I’m not going! The stick has been stolen.”

 

Craig’s father walked into the room, dragging a kicking and screaming Cartman away. Craig sighed before laying back down, soon falling asleep again.

 

\-------

 

“Join the humans and battle against the wicked elves… all recruits welcome… Sorry kid, we don’t play dungeons and dragons.”

 

“Awww come on, we barely do anything.”

 

“They’re conformists! We can’t just do what they say!”

 

Pete decided to give them a chance, “You’ll have to at least look goth. I’ve seen you pull it off before Butters. I’m sure you can do it again. Also get a smoke and some coffee.”

 

“A-Alright I’ll try. Hopefully I don’t get grounded…”

 

“Don’t come back here until you have all that stuff.”

 

Butters nodded, heading off to get the stuff that the goth kids told him to get. It would be a challenge but he can do it. Right?

 

\--------

 

He had decided to get the coffee first, buying some of Mr.Tweak’s coffee before heading outside. Kenny had to go help his sister with something so he was by himself for a bit. Of course, the elves decide to knock him out and take him to their king.

 

As Butters came to, Kyle was there, helping him up.

 

“Sorry about that. I told them to not hit you over the head, but they didn’t listen. Anyways… I brought you here cause I want to ask you something…”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Do you want to join us? We heard you were recruiting the goths. Recruit them, but bring them to us.”

 

“Why? You stole the stick!”

 

“No we didn’t. Wizard Fatass is lying! He’s hiding it.”

 

“What?! Seriously?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“... Alright. Just because he’s breaking the rules… I’ll help you.”

 

“Thanks Butters. This means a lot to us. Recruit the goths. Stan and Jimmy can go with you should you need help.”

 

Butters nodded, heading out and going to go get the stuff the goths had asked for.

 

\--------

 

“Here, Clyde, have this new armor. It’s better than your old armor.”

 

Craig gave Clyde the armor that he had been planning to give him for when he was a dark lord, deciding to let him use it now because of what had happened. The stick wasn’t stolen, but now there are rumors going around saying that Paladin Butters was planning on betraying them. So they had to be prepared. Clyde smiled, getting the armor on right away.

 

“Thanks Craig!”

 

“No problem.”

 

Cartman came out of his tent again, yelling about Butters’ betrayal.

 

“I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! OF ALL PEOPLE TO BETRAY US, IT’S BUTTERS!”

 

“It happens Cartman. Just calm down.”

 

“NO! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT ASSHOLE KYLE DID?! HE JEW WASHED HIS BRAIN! WE NEED TO SAVE BUTTERS!”

 

“What the fuck is Jew washing?”

 

“IT’S LIKE BRAINWASHING BUT… JEWIFIED!”

 

“Cartman, I couldn’t care less that Butters betrayed us.”

 

“SHUT UP CRAIG!”

 

“Whatever. Me and Clyde are going to go beat up elves.”

 

\-----------

 

Butters had changed into goth clothes, now with a cup of coffee and a smoke, he walked over to the goth kids, waiting for them to notice him.

 

“Oh look, it’s frodo from the dungeons of dumbass.”

 

“You have to admit, he looks goth.”

 

“Alright alright. One last test, dance goth. Then we’ll join you.”

 

Butters nodded, letting Pete start the music before shuffling here and there, smoking and drinking coffee all at the same time. He kept looking at the ground, not really caring about what was going on around him.

 

“So you can dance goth…”

 

“What do you think guys?”

 

“Yeah he’s goth.”

 

“He’s pretty goth.”

 

“I feel his pain.”

 

“Alright Butters, we’ll join you. Tell us where you need us and we’ll be there.”

 

Butters changed back into his armor, following Stan out. The two of them walked towards the elven forest, sighing a bit.

 

“We’re almost there. Then we can attack the humans and take back the stick.”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“Hey, Butters, are you ok?”

 

“Not really. All that smoking is messing me up.”

 

“Cough up the smoke then.”

 

With that, Butters decided to try to cough up whatever was messing up his lungs. Which slowly turned into a cough attack. Stan rubbed the paladin’s back, trying to help some how. Of course it didn’t help much, but as soon as all the smoke was out of Butters’ lungs he was able to stop coughing.

 

“There you go. Butters, you don’t just keep the smoke in. That’s how people end up dying from smoking.”

 

“Yeah… thanks Stan.”

 

“No problem. Now let’s go see Kyle.”

 

\-----------------------

 

“Fortify this place! We can’t let them get to the stick!”

 

“Grand Wizard, what should we do?”

 

“Craig, you come with me, Clyde, you man the catapults in the lobby. If they get through I want you to kick the elves and the traitor’s asses. You have the strongest armor of all of us here and a badass knife. You’ll be a good defence for us. Me, Kenny, and Craig will sit in the classroom as the final defence.”

 

“Got it.”

 

Clyde got the catapults set up, making sure the humans were blocking the doorways. It was almost time. The final battle for the stick was near. There was no way they could fail. Right? Of course, the elves had some sort of tricks up their sleeves. There’s no doubt about that.

 

“Bring it on elves. I’m ready for you guys. There is no way you can get by me.”

 

\------------

 

“Excellent! I knew we could trust you Butters! Now go climb the tree house and signall the new recruits.”

 

Butters nodded, climbing the ladder to call the goths. He pulled out his iPhone, messaging them that it was time to fight the humans of Kupa Keep. He climbed back down to Kyle walking over to him.

 

“Alright. I called them.”

 

“Great!”

 

Stan ran over to Kyle, “Great King, we know where the humans are hiding the stick!”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah it said on Twitter!”

 

“Ah- you mean you shot down their messenger raven?”

 

“Yes- we shot down the raven! And the wizard king is hiding the stick in his desk at school!”

 

“AH HA! I KNEW IT! They were cheating! Elves! It is time to march upon the school and make the halls drip with human blood!”

 

The elven army cheered, raising their weapons. Kyle walked over to Butters, smiling at him.

 

“Also Butters, you are now Commander Butters. Congratulations.”

 

“AW YEAH! I never got a rank up while I was working for Cartman. Thanks Kyle.”

  
“No problem dude. Alright men, MOVE OUT!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up is the school fight and I can't wait to write that to be completely honest so this might be updated really soon again. Either today or tomorrow!


	4. The Ultimate Betrayal

“Today, we are not goths or elves, today… we unite as one! We will march into that school, and take the stick from the cold, dead hands of the grand wizard!”

 

The elven part of the army cheered, the goth kids sighing a bit, “I feel like such a homo sapien right now.”

 

One of the humans yelled out from the window, “THE ELVES ARE HERE!” before blowing a warhorn.

 

“Oh, he’s blowing his horn! Blow ours Stan.”

 

Stan blew his warhorn, putting it away soon after, “Elves! Attack!”

 

“Commanders Butters and Stan, get in through the back with the goth kids!”

 

Stan and Butters headed over to the gate, going through it and walking over to the goth kids. Humans laid knocked out here and there, having fought and lost to the goth kids. Pete was injured near the door.

 

“Agh. I hurt my fucking ankle. I can’t move.”

 

Butters walked over, rubbing his back, “There’s a buddy.”

 

“Hey, I’m healed! Except for on the inside. Here, we locked it so no one else could get in.” Pete walked over to the door, unlocking it and opening it for them before going to sit next to the other goth kids to smoke.

 

Butters walked in first, looking around, “Holy shit. What did they do to this place?”

 

“Don’t know dude. Let’s get through and try to get to the lobby.”

 

Butters let Stan take the lead, following him as the two of them tried to avoid fights to save their strength for the bosses that would be lurking up ahead. The first barricade in the cafeteria, the humans ready to spray boiling oil in their faces. Butters threw his hammer at the ceiling, breaking a wire and getting it to fall down to the wet ground, electrocuting the humans. The electricity got cut off, allowing the two through. Butters picked up his hammer before getting out of the cafeteria and into the hallways. The hallways were dark, only lit by torches here and there. Humans and elves fought to either side of them as they walked through, trying to reach the lobby. The way to the lobby turned out to be blocked though, by a gate. The only way through would be to go through the basement.

 

Stan walked over to the door, opening it and heading into the basement with Butters following him. Kyle was there, staring at a fallen hall monitor. He turned, seeing Stan and Butters walking down the stairs.

 

“Careful guys. Something’s seriously wrong with the hall monitors!”

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

Butters walked over to the hall monitor, trying to help him up. Kyle pulled him away shaking his head.

 

“Careful. He can still bust us for not having hall passes.”

 

The ginger coughed up some green goo, “W-We reported here this morning… we didn’t know that school had been cancelled… We came down here and we found this green goo. It… changed... the other hallway monitors…”

 

“W-Well that’s what you get fo-for being a pansy ass hallway mo-monitor in the first place.”

 

The hallway monitor got up, shaking a bit as he walked towards the door to the basement, “T-The goo… there’s so-something in the goo… i-it’s…”

 

His skin went a sickly green as he turned around, calling up two other zombie monitors.

 

“Ah shit. Did they just turn into zombies?”

 

“Y-Yeah they did.”

 

“Jimmy, me and you will fight them. Stan and Butters, go up ahead and get the stick back. We’ll catch up after we kick some ass.”

 

Butters and Stan nodded, walking around the zombies and heading into the basement itself. There was green goo on the ground, glowing softly and making it possible to see in the basement. Up ahead, there was more zombie gingers, groaning as they stumbled around. Stan sighed, looking over at Butters.

 

“Looks like we have to fight these zombies. We can’t lose no matter what or else we will die. I hope you’re ready for this fight.”

 

Butters nodded, before taking out the pipe that was in the way. Stan climbed the ladder, turning off the water so they could pass through. The zombies were up ahead. Stan threw his sword, trying to take out the zombies before they would have to fight them. Two of them got their heads chopped off and the third one stumbled into the electrified water. Too easy.

 

“Ok I made a big deal about those guys but they’re actually really easy to kill. Let’s turn off the electricity and get out of the basement.”

 

“Weren’t they hall monitors though?”

 

“They were zombies. That’s my excuse.”

 

Butters nodded, turning off the electricity and heading off towards the staircase to get back into the hallway. Stan climbed down the stairs and followed him, the two of them finding themselves in the hallway next to the door to the lobby. Beyond those doors would be Clyde. The one person standing between them and the stick. It was time to defeat him once and for all. Stan opened the door to the lobby, finding humans and the commander of the humans there. It was obvious that Clyde had gotten some sort of a promotion, his armor having been upgraded from his normal helm and cape to a dark lord sort of look- only he wasn’t a dark lord.

 

“Hey traitor and elf scum! How do you like some flaming dog shit?”

 

Butters just barely avoided getting hit by a flaming shitball, noticing that part of the barricade was weak, he threw his hammer at it, breaking it down. The chalkboard cracked in half, knocking out the humans that were standing by it. Stan avoided the catapult’s shots and took out the part of the barricade, forcing Clyde to retreat into the hallway.

 

“Fuck you guys!”

 

Jimmy and Kyle had followed Stan and Butters, trying to open the door. However, Clyde had locked it. They would need to get the door open and get one of the elves to open it.

 

“Stan, man the catapult, open the door for the others!”

 

Stan shot at the door, setting the barricade on fire. Jimmy took out his flute, playing the brown note as loud as he could towards it to get it to explode.

 

“W-Well that worked b-better than ex-expected.”

 

The elves poured in, taking over the lobby. One of the elves walked over to the door, opening it for the others. Clyde was there, holding his knife and ready to fight. There was nothing he could do. He would have to fight them. Kyle looked over at Stan.

 

“Alright, Stan, take a break. I’ll go with Butters and fight Clyde.”

 

Stan smiled a bit, “Alright. Be careful.”

 

“I will. Don’t worry. Elves, be at the ready in case I call for your assistance.”

 

Butters and Kyle walked through the doors, seeing Clyde there.

 

“So if it isn’t the Elven King and the Traitor Paladin.”

 

“Put down your weapon Clyde. We don’t have to fight.”

 

“Oh fuck no we’re fighting!”

 

Clyde swung at them with his knife, before throwing one of his throwing knives at Butters. Butters got out of the way, before throwing his hammer at Clyde. Clyde got knocked over, but didn’t stay down, getting up and looking more pissed off than before. He tried to stab Butters with his knife, but the elf king hit him in the head with a golf ball, causing the boy to stumble and back up a bit. Clyde glared at him, throwing a knife at Kyle. It just barely missed Kyle’s arm, cutting his costume a bit but otherwise not touching him. Kyle held his golf club in the air, an army of elves appearing behind him.

 

“ELVES! Ready… aim… FIRE!”

 

The arrows hit their target, causing a bunch of damage. Clyde didn’t have much power left as Butters hit him with his hammer.

 

“Not faaair…”

 

Clyde fell over, knocked out from the fight.

 

“And so the humans’ commander falls. Soon the wizard king will follow.”

 

The elves ran up ahead to take on the humans in the way, allowing Butters and Kyle to bypass everyone. The fourth grade classroom was right there. And now they would get the stick and beat Cartman once and for all.

 

“So… if it isn’t the traitor Butters and the High Jew Elf Kyle… Welcome to my base.”

 

“Hey, fatass. We told you no hiding the damn stick!”

 

“So what? We have the stick! We can do what we want!”

 

“I will kick your ass one on one I swear!”

 

“Bring it on Kyle! I’ll kick your ass!”

 

Kyle hit a golf ball in Cartman’s direction, hitting him in the face with it. Cartman pulled out a lighter and a can of air freshener, using them to try to burn Kyle. Kyle managed to dodge most of it, but he ended up getting the side of his arm burnt badly.

 

“AGH! YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”

 

“Not so tough now huh Kyle?”

 

“You could have killed me you piece of shit!”

 

“Yeah. But you could have killed Clyde with that elven army attack as well.”

 

“THOSE ARROWS DIDN’T EVEN HIT HIM!”

 

Kyle pulled out a leafblower, trying to use it to blow Cartman into the desk to knock him out. Unfortunately for Kyle, Cartman countered, using a flaming fart to fight him. Craig had been helping Clyde walk, the two of them entering the classroom at the very moment Kyle and Cartman were trying to burn each other. (Cartman intentionally, Kyle not so much)

 

“What the fuck did we just walk into?”

 

No one answered Craig’s question as Cartman got thrown back, into a wall. Kyle laughed before cheering.

 

“The stick is ours! Goth kids, take the stick from his desk!”

 

The goth kids walked over to the desks before looking back at them.

 

“Hang on, the desks here only have table tops.”

 

“But- But Twitter said-”

 

“Hey, this one has writing on it. Check my locker.”

 

“Who’s desk is that?”

 

Cartman got up, looking over to where the goth kids were, “That’s… That’s Kenny’s desk.”

 

Kenny was no where to be seen at the moment. The only thing they could do was head off to his locker. When they got there, they found a laptop there. They opened it, finding out several things at once.

 

First: The stick was with Kenny.

 

Second: Kenny was raising an undead army.

 

Third: Both kings no longer have power.

 

“That traitor scum! He’s worst than Butters!”

 

“Hey!”

 

Kyle slapped Cartman, “Butters did the right thing. We have to go stop Kenny before it’s too late!”

 

\----------

 

Mrs.Mccormick didn’t know what she expected when she opened the door. It certainly wasn’t a bunch of clothed kids who were looking for her son.

 

“Is Kenny here?”

 

“No he isn’t. He’s playing at Butters’ house.”

 

“Wait. What?”

 

Everyone quickly looked around, noticing that Butters wasn’t there before running off to get to his house. There was no way the paladin just backstabbed them. Butters wouldn’t do that. Would he?

 

No he wouldn’t.

 

But Professor Chaos would.

 

“KENNY AND BUTTERS! WHAT THE FUCK?!”

 

The two of them had managed to build a massive fortress, Kenny having done most of it while Butters was helping the elves. Looks like Clyde and Craig were beat to the game of betrayal. Kenny held up the stick, laughing. He ruled now. There was no way that the elves and humans would be able to beat him now. Professor Chaos stood by his side, ready to fight if needed.

 

“I joined up with the Princess. That way I know there’s no way for Mysterion to appear and save you!”

 

“We’re going to stop you! Right here and right now!”

 

“It’s too late for you to try!”

 

“What?”

 

Kyle’s mother appeared, walking up to her son, “Kyle, do you know what time it is?! It is way past your bedtime!”

 

“Aw shit! It’s past our bedtime?!”

 

Everyone dispersed, heading home. Butters’ mom headed outside to tell her son that it was time for bed, only to find him and his friend laughing evilly. It didn’t bother her at all.

 

“Butters! It’s time for bed! Kenny can stay the night if he wants!”

 

“ALRIGHT MOM WE’LL BE DOWN IN A SECOND!”

 

\----------------------

 

Once Kyle got home, he went upstairs, going right to bed. He had to figure out some way to stop Kenny and Professor Chaos, or the world would be screwed. He started to fall asleep just as he heard a song, a faint song. Kyle opened his eyes, looking over at his drawer, seeing gnomes there.

 

“Time to go to work, work all day, search for underpants hey! We won’t stop till we have underpants! Yum yum yummy yum yay! Time to g- HOLY SHIT THIS KID IS STILL AWAKE!”

 

“Ah shit! What do we do?!”

 

Kyle got out of his bed, looking down at the gnomes, “What the fuck?”

 

One of the gnomes looked back at his buddies, “Well shit, I guess we gotta kill him!”

  
“Alright, bring it on kid!”


	5. The Girls

“Hang on! Before you attack, why are you taking people’s underwear?”

 

“You don’t need to know kid! Now die!”

 

The gnome threw a coin at Kyle, who didn’t bother to move out of the way. The coin did nothing. Kyle rolled his eyes before hitting all the gnomes with his golf club.

 

“We can’t beat him! He’s too big!”

 

“Well you know what they say, if you can’t beat them, shrink ‘em! Shrink him warlock!”

 

The gnome warlock walked over, pulling out gnome dust before throwing it at Kyle. Kyle coughed a bit, shrinking down to gnome size while trying to get the dust off his face. The gnomes attacked again, only to get a golf club in the face as Kyle beat up one of the gnomes in anger.

 

“Holy shit! This kid’s nuts! Run!”

 

Three of the gnomes escaped through his bedroom window, but Kyle had killed one of them and was still small. He walked over to his bed, climbing up onto it and getting over to his iPhone. He needed Stan’s help, there’s no way he would be able to go after the gnomes by himself. He called Stan, putting the call on to speaker phone.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hey Stan, it’s me.”

 

“Kyle? Why are you calling me?”

 

“Just… come over to my house I’ll explain when you get here. Come to my bedroom.”

 

“Alright… give me five minutes.”

 

“Alright, see you in a bit dude.”

 

Kyle sat on his bed, waiting for Stan to get over there. How would his friend react to this? He didn’t know. It took about fifteen minutes but Stan eventually opened Kyle’s door to his room, looking around.

 

“Kyle? Where are you?”

 

“Dude, I’m right here. Look down.”

 

Stan looked down, staring at Kyle with a shocked look on his face, “Dude what happened?”

 

“I don’t know. There were these weird gnomes and they stole my underwear and when I tried killing them with my golf club they shrank me. I managed to kill one of them but I’m pretty sure I need to kill the warlock to reverse this.”

 

“Do you want me to help?”

 

“Yeah why do you think I called you?”

 

“I’ll keep an eye out for him. Any idea where he went?”

 

“They ran out my window. They’re somewhere outside and I have no idea where.”

 

Stan looked out the window, seeing footprints here and there. He looked back at Kyle, picking him up. Kyle stared up at Stan, shivering a bit due to just being in his pjs and hat. Kyle would never take off his hat, like how Stan would rarely take off his own hat. Stan took off one of his gloves, giving it to Kyle to wrap around himself. Kyle smiled, wrapping the glove around himself and feeling himself get warmer. Stan put him on his left shoulder, where he sat and relaxed.

 

“Alright, so we’re going to go kill the warlock?”

 

“Yep. I’m not going to let him get away. Feel free to get some sleep while I look for him. You need it.”

 

Kyle leaned against Stan’s head, using him as a pillow as he looked around. Stan had started heading downstairs, going outside to follow the gnome’s tracks from Kyle’s window. It was probably a good idea to follow the tracks. It would be about twenty times easier. Kyle shivered, holding the glove closer to him, Stan picked him up, hugging him close to try to keep Kyle warm. Kyle relaxed again, warming up thanks to Stan’s body warmth. The two of them heard the gnomes singing, running over to Cartman’s house. They were in there, and the Warlock was outside, waiting for them.

 

“Hey!”

 

“Oh shit! Not another angry kid!”

 

“You shrank my friend! Turn him back!”

 

“How about if your friend beats me then I’ll turn him back.”

 

“Dude, he’s going to freeze to death out here. Give me the fucking shit to turn him back!”

 

“Or else what?”

 

“Or I’ll step on you and crush every bone in your fucking body.”

 

“Okay okay! Here, this dust will let him grow big or small whenever he wants.”

 

The warlock handed the dust to Stan, who gave it to Kyle.

 

“We just wanted to collect underpants to stop the toxic taco bell green goo from getting into our underground world! You see it’s actually an alien goo that turns living things into zombies.”

 

“So that’s what happened to those guys in the basement of the school?”

 

“Probably. Now get out of here! You did say that your friend was going to freeze didn’t you?”

 

“Yeah I’m going.”

 

Stan walked off, heading back to Kyle’s house. He got there easily, sneaking back into Kyle’s room. He put him down on the bed, allowing Kyle to use the gnome powder to turn back to normal size.

 

Stan hugged his friend, smiling at him, “You’re still cold I’m guessing?”

 

“Y-Yeah…”

 

Stan got Kyle to lay down, covering him with blankets. He laid next to Kyle, hugging him to try to warm him up as fast as possible. Kyle warmed up, but he also ended up falling asleep, staying close to Stan. Stan looked over at Kyle’s clock, seeing that it was nearly midnight. He looked back at Kyle’s sleeping face, smiling a bit before awkwardly kissing his forehead, getting up soon after and heading home for the night.

 

\--------------------------------

 

Upon getting ready and heading to the Elven forest for a meeting, the first one to meet Stan there was Kyle. Everyone else arrived a few minutes later, talking about Kenny and Butters’ betrayal. Cartman was complaining about how they were cheating, while Kyle was talking about how dangerous that goo was.

 

“Cartman shut up. That stuff is dangerous. This is a serious matter. They have an entire army on their side.”

 

Tweek started having a freak out, “AGH! Then how are we suppose to beat them?!”

 

“We recruit more factions. The pirates, the federation- and the girls.”

 

Cartman groaned, “Kyle, we aren’t going to get girls to play with us.”

 

“We can try. Cartman, go recruit the pirates and the federation, I’ll get the girls on our side. Stan and Craig, come with me so we can get the girls on our side. Cartman, Jimmy, and Clyde are in charge of getting the other groups.”

 

“Got it. Let’s get moving everyone. We have a stick to get back.”

 

\--------------

 

“Wait, you three want to get the girls to join you for your game?”

 

“Yes. We need your help fighting Butters and Kenny.”

 

“Well… I guess I can take you guys to the girls, I don’t know if they’ll be willing to play with boys though. Follow me.”

 

Annie led the three of them to the girls’ hideout, which turned out to be the girls’ washroom at the basketball court. Wendy sat in the chair at the top.

 

“Sunshine! Sparkle! The 71st meeting of the girls is hereby called to order.”

 

One girl stood up, “If it pleases and sparkles, I think we should vote on the urgent matter involving Monica Ryland.”

 

Annie spoke up, “Excuse me, I have an urgent matter that I feel should be addressed first.”

 

“Sunshine! Sparkle! Annie has the floor!”

 

“I have three boys here, Craig, Kyle, and Stan, and they want us to join their team for their new role playing game.”

 

“We can’t! We have to deal with Monica.”

 

“I know. I was thinking that they could help.”

 

Kyle looked confused, “What is happening?”

 

Wendy looked down at Kyle, sighing a bit, “Someone here is being a two-faced bitch and spreading rumors about our good friend Allie being spotted at the abortion clinic.”

 

“I never went there! I’m not a-”

 

Kyle cut her off, “Ok so if we help you, you’ll join us?”

 

“Yes. We just don’t want a two-faced bitch running around. To figure out if it’s Monica or not, I want one of you to pretend to be Bebe’s boyfriend. And we’ll message her on facebook and tell her that you’ll be asking her what the best thing to get Bebe for her birthday is. See if she tries to hit on you at all, then we’ll know if she’s the one spreading the rumors or not.”

 

“Ok so who’s the guinea pig?”

 

“Preferably someone who doesn’t talk much and can stay quiet.”

 

Stan and Kyle looked over at Craig, who simply sighed, “God damn it I hate you guys.” Before flipping them off.

 

Craig headed outside, going to meet with Monica, mainly because he didn’t have a choice. He sat on the bench, waiting for her to show up. A few minutes passed before she showed up, sitting next to him.

 

“Hey Craig, so you were wondering what to get Bebe for her birthday huh? I’ll be honest, I’m not sure about Bebe, I mean, she seems a bit two-faced if you ask me. But hey, I looked at your facebook and heard about some of the stuff you do and I think you’re a really interesting boy.”

 

Bebe, Red, and Wendy walked over to them, glaring at Monica, “Ah ha! I knew it! You’re the two-faced bitch!”

 

“What?! What are you guys talking about? You’re my best friends!”

 

“Then why are you hitting on MY Facebook boyfriend?”

 

Craig got up, flipping Bebe off, “I’m not your boyfriend.”

 

“Sorry Craig, just go back and wait for us at the base.”

 

Craig walked back to the girl’s base, waiting next to Kyle and Stan for the girls to return. They did eventually return a few minutes later, taking their spots.

 

“The girls would like to thank you for your help with this so far Craig.”

 

“So far?”

 

“Yeah. It turns out that Monica couldn’t be the one spreading rumors about Allie. So we need the abortion records. One of you will have to dress up as a girl and go in there to get it. We can’t do it ourselves because we can’t be spotted in there.”

 

Kyle sighed, “Not me.”

 

Stan looked at Craig, who was flipping him off.

 

“Craig that leaves you. I’m not dressing up.”

 

“I hate you guys.”

 

The girls walked over to Craig, smiling at him, “Makeover!”

 

“Oh god fucking damn it.”

 

\---------------------------------------------------------

 

Next time Kyle and Stan saw Craig, they didn’t even know that it was him. Mainly because he was refusing to talk and was hoping that no one would realize it was him. The only reason that Kyle figure out that Craig was there was the fact that Wendy and Bebe were there.

 

“Ok Craig, get in there and get the files, as soon as you get them you can change out of the dress. You just need it to get in.”

 

Wendy and Bebe walked off, leaving Craig there with Kyle and Stan.

 

“So how long are you going to be a girl for?”

 

“I can’t fucking believe I have to do this.”

 

“If it makes you feel better, you look nice.”

 

All Kyle got in response was Craig’s middle finger.

 

Figured that should happen.

 

Craig walked in with Stan and Kyle following him, walking over to the nurse. She looked down at him, smiling a bit.

 

“Hello, are you here for an abortion? The first one's always the scariest. Just walk through the door on your right. Then into the first operation room on the left.”

 

Craig walked towards the door, before being stopped.

 

“Sorry, your friends will have to wait out here.”

 

“Don’t worry, we’ll wait here.”

  
Craig sighed, going through the door and looking around. The records room was right there, but the door wouldn’t open unless he looked like a doctor. Great. He would have to somehow get surgical clothes and get into the records room and get out of there. He walked into the operation room, hoping that he could somehow get through this without getting caught.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter this time because chapter 6 is going to be awesome
> 
> hopefully
> 
> Quick edit to fix a typo and a few things here and there! Also to say thank you to tumblr user Mikuruofdoom for drawing out the scene where Craig was flipping off Kyle outside of the abortion center!
> 
> You can see their/her/his art here!:  
> http://mikuruofdoom.tumblr.com/post/81445923711/i-was-reading-this-fanfic-and-i-had-to-draw-out


	6. Zombie Babies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, a note about Craig's girl outfit: I didn't describe it because of two reasons.
> 
> 1\. I thought it would be cool to see people's takes of the outfit  
> 2\. I'm lazy

Princess Kenny was sitting on her throne, a coffin nearby which was connected to the green waste. Professor Chaos was trying to get everyone in their army ready for that night. By the end of the day their armies will fight with the armies of Zaron. They won’t be able to get their precious stick back. From then on Princess Kenny and her loyal… Paladin? Or was it Professor? Either way he was on her side. Nothing would change that. Unless Butters decided to be a hero and betray her, in which case she would have to kick him off the side of her castle. She could hear Chaos yelling from the ground, rallying the army of darkness. Of course the zombies were in her castle doing… whatever it is that zombies do.

 

Kenny got up from his throne, heading down the staircase to go talk with the scouts who should have been spying on their enemies. He hoped the news was good news but, with his luck he somehow doubted it. Upon reaching the bottom of the stairs and heading down the main hallway and through the main gate. She motioned for Chaos to stand next to her as the scouts ran up to her.

 

“Our liege, we found out the enemy’s plans!”

 

“Well? Tell us.”

 

“They are planning on recruiting the pirates, the Federation, and the girls.”

 

“Ok, they aren’t going to be able to get the girls on their side. I’m saying that now.”

 

“Actually… The girls said that if they do something for them, they would join Zaron’s forces.”

 

“We need to find some way to stop them then. What is it they have to do?”

 

“Well, one of them dressed up as a girl and is now going into the abortion clinic to get abortion records for them. We can’t really get in there to stop them. The elven king and his ranger are guarding the doors.”

 

“We might not be able to get in. But you know what can get in?”

 

“What?”

 

“Zombie babies.”

 

\------------------------

 

“Hey, you must be here for an abortion, just get up into the chair and we’ll get started.”

 

Craig climbed up into the chair, seeing no other choice. But something had to happen within the next few seconds otherwise he was going to get caught. Maybe the vacuum is broken and the doctor would have to leave to get the stuff to fix it, which would allow Craig to grab the surgical clothes and go get the records to get out of there. The less time he had to spend here the better.

 

“Do you hear that?”

 

Craig gave the doctor a confused look, “No.”

 

“It sounds like… a baby?”

 

“What?”

 

With that, the lights went out and a lady’s scream was heard. The doctor ran out to go see what was going on. Craig got down from the chair, wiping the makeup off his face and walking over to the clothes. He got the outfit off and the wig, putting on the doctor cap and clothes, as well as the gloves. He dumped the clothes in the garbage, seeing no point in keeping them. He left the operation room, heading into the records room. As he went through the 2013 records, he managed to take a picture of them just as Randy Marsh dropped out of the ceiling.

 

“Oh god damn it- Oh, hey there! You’re one of the kids in Stan’s class right? Craig was it?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Alright cool. Now I know you don’t know, but the taco bell that is being built is going to take out three blocks. It’s going to destroy the entire town. But for some reason the taco bell guys were here.”

 

Gunshots were heard outside, “What the fuck?”

 

“Oh that’s probably them now. Shit. Quickly we gotta go hide somewhere or else they’ll shoot us.”

 

Randy ran out of the room, getting Craig to follow him to one of the operation rooms. He got on a wig, getting his pants off and getting into the chair.

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

 

“This is the only way they won’t shoot us Craig. These guys are nuts. I saw them shoot a guy who was asking if it was going to be a KFC combo or not!”

 

“So they won’t think it’s suspicious at all that the doctor is ten?”

 

“SHHHH… they’re coming.”

 

Craig turned back to the door as the government guys kicked it open, aiming their guns at them.

 

“Hands up, we have a zombie outbreak here!”

 

Randy made the worst girl voice anyone could have ever made at that moment, “Oh, hello! I’m just here for an operation! There you are doctor! Let’s get started!”

 

Craig looked at Randy, mouthing the word ‘ _no_ ’.

 

“We’ll see if he’s a real doctor, give her an abortion! Do it!”

 

Craig felt like he was about to be sick. Randy was a guy. How was he suppose to do an abortion ON A GUY?

 

“The vacuum needs power. I’ve been telling her that. Until the power is back I can’t.”

 

That seems like a good enough excuse. It seemed to have worked at least. Well, until the power turned back on. Craig almost gagged up barf.

 

“Oh. Ok I guess they got it working.”

 

There was no way out of this now. Craig got up onto a step stood, grabbing a syringe. This wasn’t going to be fun. For the both of them. Somehow he managed to stab the syringe in the right spot, without messing up.

 

“OW MY BALLS- I mean, my malls! All my favorite shopping malls all close at 5 doctor can you please hurry this up?”

 

Craig rolled his eyes, grabbing a metal rod. He tried to look elsewhere while he did this next part, trying to not puke up his breakfast.

 

“Oh that’s cold! Holy shit that’s cold- ok ok, I’m ready.”

 

Craig pulled out the rod and put it down, grabbing the vacuum. He had to avoid the balls. That was the main thing. Eventually the vacuum made a sound like it sucked something up, allowing him to turn off the vacuum.

 

“Alright so he is a real doctor.”

 

The lights went out and demonic sounding babies were heard. The government guys yelled something and ran off, going to fight them. Craig headed into the hallway, the way behind him being blocked as the ceiling fell behind him. the government guys were being killed by zombie fetuses. Craig shook his head, blinking. Was he seeing right or- nope his stomach wasn’t having any of this shit today. He held his stomach as he started puking, not hearing Kyle and Stan drop down behind him.

 

“Dude, are you alright?” Stan walked over to him, trying to help by rubbing Craig’s back.

 

“Stan, he’s barfing up his breakfast. Does he look alright?”

 

Craig coughed, managing to calm himself down. He wiped his face off on his sleeve. Good thing he wasn’t planning on using these doctor clothes for anything ever again. Kyle passed Craig his thief outfit, the two of them turning away from Craig while he changed. The thief pulled out his dagger, turning back to the other two boys.

 

“Alright I’m good now. Let’s get moving. Avoid my vomit.”

 

“Are you sick?”

 

“No. I just had to give YOUR DAD an abortion, Stan.”

 

“What.”

 

“Your dad is in the operation room and I had to give him an abortion.”

 

“Why?”

 

“CAUSE THERE WAS THESE GOVERNMENT GUYS AND THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE I WASN’T A ZOMBIE WAS TO GIVE YOUR DAD A FUCKING ABORTION!”

 

Kyle walked up ahead, looking at all the damage that was caused by the zombies. This was mostly the government’s fault. There’s no way zombie babies were this powerful. Right? They could hear the soldiers yelling in the distance. They needed to get out of there so they could go talk to the girls. Kyle pulled out gnome dust, looking at the other two.

 

“We’ll need to be small to get through this. We’ll get to the front using the air vents.”

 

Kyle threw the gnome dust over all of them, making them small so they could climb through the rubble. Whatever caused this, it had to have been either powerful, or it was the army guys freaking out and shooting in all directions. Either way, they found a way to take out an entire wall. Good going you moronic government guys. Craig shook his head, still following Kyle as the group climbed upwards, towards the vents. That’s when they saw zombie rats. Zombie rats which were in the way. Craig noticed a wooden plank that was loose, so he threw a knife at it, making it fall and crush the rats. The group continued into the vents, hearing the soldiers once again.

 

“The babies are eating my brains!”

 

“Jeez, those babies are hardcore.”

 

“Kyle, shut up.”

 

Craig just wanted to go home at this point. He was tired, and didn’t feel like doing anything. He found the exit of the air vents, jumping down just in time to see two zombie babies get destroyed by a minigun. Stan and Kyle followed, Kyle turning them back to normal size.

 

“Oh what the fuck. They actually set up a damn turret.”

 

Craig looked around, seeing a grenade in a dead soldier’s hand. He grabbed it, walking back over to where the others were before pulling the fuse and throwing it at the turret. It exploded on impact, destroying the turret completely. The three of them walked through, into the lobby where the only surviving army guys were.

 

“Sector 7 is contained! I repeat, sector 7 is contained!”

 

A doctor was dying to their left, coughing up blood, “I-It’s not contained!”

 

“What?”

 

“It’s not contained… Khloe Kardashian was in t-today.. Ufhg. Sh-She had the bi-biggest abortion I’ve ever seen. UUuguughhhh...”

 

A roar ripped through the clinic as a giant zombie fetus broke through the wall, ripping both of the soldiers in half before turning to the three boys. Kyle barely got out of the way of its cord, which was trying to suck the life out of them or something. Craig snuck up behind the fetus, stabbing it as many times as he could before the umbilical cord sent him flying into a wall. Stan ran towards it, before bringing his sword down, trying to hit it’s neck. However, the cord wrapped itself around his leg, lifting him up so he was upside down, causing him to drop his sword.

 

“Shit! I could use some help!”

 

Kyle pulled out his leaf blower, aiming for the umbilical cord. He turned it off, trying to get it to let Stan go. Right as he started to lose control over it, the cord dropped him, suddenly exploding. The baby was still there but now Stan could chop it’s head off. Craig got back up, stabbing the baby in the back multiple times to distract it as Stan picked up his sword again. He sliced at it’s neck again, finally succeeding to decapitate it.

 

“That is how it’s done.”

 

The three of them left the clinic, the police slowly gathering around to get survivors out of there. Craig texted Wendy the abortion records while the three of them headed back to the girls’ base. Craig hoped that they didn’t want their clothes back, cause he trashed them and he couldn’t care less about those clothes.

 

Once they entered the girls’ base, the first thing they heard was Wendy.

 

“Thank you so much for getting us the records. We’re one step closer to finding out which one of us is a two-faced bitch.”

 

“Unfortunately, the record keeper is from Paris so everything is in French.”

 

“We need you guys to get this translated for us. Then we promise we will play your game no matter what. Sparkle!”

 

The other girls yelled in unison, “Sunshine!”

 

With that, the boys left without a word.

 

\-----------------

 

“Princess Kenny!”

 

“What is it Chaos?”

 

“They got the abortion records! They beat the giant zombie!”

 

“What? How?”

 

“Stan cut it’s head off.”

 

“We can’t do anything now. We’ll have to wait for them to come to us. Get our armies ready. Recruit more people if needed.”

 

“Got it!”

 

Professor Chaos ran off, leaving Kenny to think to herself. If they get the stick back, both him and Chaos are more than likely going to get banished from space and time. That’s the last thing she wanted. Maybe she deserved to get banished but not Butters. He’s Professor Chaos right now. He can’t control himself. Kenny sighed, sitting down in his throne.

 

He would have to wait.

 

\----------------------------------

 

“The girls want us to translate this document then they’ll join.”

 

Cartman took a look at it, “I don’t fucking understand this. But I think I know someone who would.”

 

Kyle blinked, “What? Who?”

 

“Way up in the great kingdom of the north, there’s mythical people there who speak this long lost language. The path to the northern kingdom is full of danger, and so all of us, me, Kyle, Clyde, Craig, Stan, and Jimmy, must travel north, to get these documents translated. Just so the girls will join us.”

 

“Alright so we have to get to Canada. Let’s head out.”

 

Tweek started jumping and shaking a lot, “GUYS!”

 

“What is it Tweek?”

 

“You guys need a passport! I have one! Can I come?”

 

“Oh. Of course Tweek! A party of seven will be perfect.”

 

Tweek smiled, before drinking some coffee to keep himself awake. The group headed out, planning on going through the lost forest. Their path would be one of danger and hardships. But as long as they remember one thing, they won’t get lost.

  
Always go north.


	7. Canada

“WE’RE LOST MAN! We’re lost, we’re going to die out here! Agh!”

 

Tweek pulled at his hair, tears in his eyes. The rest of the group kept going north, with Tweek freaking out behind them. Stan slowed down so he was by Tweek.

 

“We’ll be alright Tweek.”

 

“No we aren’t! Agh! Why did I volunteer to go with you guys?!”

 

“Because you have a passport.”

 

“Yeah I know! I just don’t want to die! Uugh!”

 

“We’re almost at the border of Canada, we’ll be fine.”

 

Just as Stan said that, the Canadian border came into view. The group ran towards it, glad to finally be out of the woods. The border guard stood in their way, moving around so they couldn’t get into Canada.

 

“Nope, no matter which way you go I block you!”

 

“Sir, we have a passport. Tweek, give him the passport.”

 

Tweek handed the guard the passport, who looked over it, “Hmmm… Your papers seem to be in order. Alright, welcome to the great nation of Canada! Open the gates!”

 

The guard gave Tweek back his passport, standing there for a few seconds, “Oops. One second.” He walked over to the gate, opening it for them to get through.

 

The group walked through, walking down the path and into Canada. They headed for the first city they saw, which was Ottawa. They walked straight into the castle, walking up to the Prince of Canada.

 

“Ah who do we have here? Heroes from the south perhaps? You must have beaten the odds and obtained… a passport.”

 

“E-Excuse me sir, but we need some documents translated and we were hoping that you could help.”

 

“Well, let me see them.”

 

Tweek gave the prince the abortion records, who looked over them, “Ah yes I see. This language is spoken only in a specific part of Canada. Go see the Earl of Winnipeg. He can tell you where in Canada they speak this freakish tongue. And I warn you, the wilderness of Canada is filled with dire wolves. You know what dire wolves are right? They’re like wolves. But DIRE.”

 

Tweek headed towards the side exit, jumping when a Canadian yelled at him, “AGH!”

 

“Hey! Do you want photos of the Prince and Princess? They come in 3 sheets 5x7s or 2 sheets of 8x10s.”

 

Clyde walked over by Tweek, rubbing his back to try to get the barbarian to calm down, “Try to not yell. He gets startled by loud noises.”

 

“H-Hey fuck off man I’m fine! I just wasn’t expecting it. Ugh I need coffee!” Tweek pulled out a cup of coffee from seemly nowhere, drinking it.

 

“We’ll take the 8x10s.”

 

Cartman blinked, “Are you crazy? Get the 5x7s! There’s more of them and we can brag that we were in Canada!”

 

Kyle glared at him, “Then our parents would find out and we’d get grounded.”

 

“That’s a risk we would have to take Kyle.”

 

“That’s a dumb idea. We aren’t doing it. We’ll take the 8x10s.”

 

“No! 5x7s!”

 

Stan sighed, looking up at the salesman, “Just give us the 8x10s. Sorry about how long this took.”

 

“A-ok! Here you go!” The man gave Stan the pictures, before heading off to talk to another group of tourists.

 

“Staaaaaaaaaaaan why would you betray me like that?”

 

“I didn’t. I was with Kyle the whole time fatass.”

 

The group walked out of the building with Cartman whining. They headed out of Ottawa and towards Winnipeg. That entire time Cartman was talking about the time that Clyde’s mother appeared as a ghost to get him to put down the toilet seat himself and call him an asshole for trying to sue the dead. Which wasn’t what happened at all but, we’ll let Cartman have his fun. The group ignored him until they reached Winnipeg, the seven of them walking up to the Earl of Winnipeg.

 

“Excuse us sir, but we need something translated.”

 

“Ah yes! The prince told me that you would be coming! But how can I help when Winnipeg is over run with dire bears?! You know what dire bears are right?”

 

“Like bears but-”

 

“Exactly! They’re like bears but… They’re DIRE.”

 

“So what do you want us to do?”

 

“I want you to go to the-”

 

Cartman was laughing outside, “Guys! Come look at this! I set some fucking Canadian bears on fire! Look at them! They’re like Tweek!”

 

“Oh I guess your friend is already taking care of them. Alright let me see the documents.”

 

Tweek gave him the records, looking over at Cartman as he dragged in three dead bears.

 

“Ah yes! This is written in the language of EASTERN CANADIAN! The Minister of Montreal can translate it. Unfortunately, the prince has imprisoned the minister unjustly! I’ll send him word that you want to speak with the minister and he should let him free! Just head back to Ottawa! But be careful, Winnipeg wasn’t the only place with dire bears.”

 

The group left Winnipeg, heading back to Ottawa. Cartman was complaining about all the walking he had to do. Kyle was busy trying to make him shut up. Craig was talking to Clyde and Stan was quiet. occasionally telling Cartman to shut up as well. Tweek ended up leading them back towards Ottawa, twitching and pulling at his hair. Once they were back in Ottawa, they walked back into the castle to talk to the prince.

 

“I heard from the Earl of Winnipeg! You want me to release the Minister of Montreal! However, this may be a plot by the Bishop of Banff! So I must ask you to go kill him and bring me his balls as proof!”

 

The Canadian princess jumped a bit, “Kill the Bishop of Banff?! We can’t possibly-”

 

“This needs to be done.”

 

The guard next to the Prince started talking, “Some Canadians think our country should be reunited my lord.”

 

There was a long pause before the Prince of Canada slapped the guard, “SHUT THE FUCK UP, I’M THE PRINCE AND WHAT I SAY GOES!”

 

He looked back at the kids before speaking, “Just go kill the Bishop then I’ll let the Minister go.”

 

More walking. Horray. Tweek sighed, drinking more coffee before heading out with the others following him. They had to walk farther this time, and through a valley in order to reach Banff. Banff was small, like all the other towns in canada. Kyle walked in front of the others.

 

“Ok, only two of us can go assassinate the Bishop so it’s not suspicious. I say that Tweek and Cartman should be the two to go fight him.”

 

“Why me?! I don’t feel like moving!”

 

“Cartman. Stop being a lazy asshole. Get moving.”

 

“No! Make Clyde do it!”

 

“Ugh! Fine! Clyde and Tweek go murder the Bishop.”

 

“AAAGH! That’s too stressful man! I can’t do that!”

 

“Tweek, yes you can. Please? I know you can do this.”

 

“AAgh! Fine I’ll try man! But if I die tell my parents that I died of a coffee overdose so I died a proud death instead of this kind of death!”

 

Clyde and Tweek headed into the church, seeing the Bishop at the back. Clyde walked up to the Bishop before hitting him over the head with his sword. Somehow, it didn’t kill him.

 

“WHO THE FUCK HITS A BISHOP?!”

 

“Me. And you’re going down!”

 

“Assassins!”

 

Clyde stabbed him in the back, allowing Tweek to hit him over the head with his mace. The bishop healed himself somehow before throwing Clyde into the wall. Tweek hit the Bishop with his mace multiple times before the Bishop farted on him.

 

“AAAAGH!!!”

 

Clyde got back up, stabbing the Bishop again, which made him gag up blood. The bishop backed up, coughing a lot.

 

“Have mercy! I’ll disappear and the prince will never know that I’m alive! Here, take these dire pig testicles and tell the prince they’re mine!”

 

“Why should we? You farted in Tweek’s face.”

 

“Oh come on do you really want to chop off my balls?”

 

“... Fine.”

 

“Thank you! I will disappear now. Go back to the prince and tell him that I’m dead.”

 

The bishop tried to give Clyde the dire pig testicle, who backed up a bit, “Put that thing in a bag.”

 

The bishop grabbed a plastic bag, putting the balls in there and closing it before handing it to Clyde, “Alright, get moving!”

 

\-----------------------------------

 

“Is the bishop dead?”

 

Clyde handed him the pig balls that were in the plastic bag. The prince cheered before going back to sitting on his throne.

 

“Now that the bishop of Banff is dead, my throne is secure!”

 

“We should release the Minister now.”

 

“Why should we? My throne is secure now! We don’t need to help these kids.”

 

“We made a promise!”

 

“Too bad!” The prince got up, leaving the room.

 

The princess of Canada got up, walking over to Tweek, “Here, take this letter and head to Vancouver. Talk to the Duke of Vancouver and get him to help you free the Minister.”

 

Tweek nodded, “Thanks a lot Miss! W-We’ll get the Minister free. Come on guys, let’s move.”

 

Craig groaned, “More walking? My feet hurt…”

 

\----------------

 

“Is this Vancouver?”

 

“I have no clue. Maybe?”

 

They walked into the government building there, seeing the Duke. Tweek walked up to him, handing him the letter from the Princess.

 

“Hmm? What’s this?! A letter from the princess?! Hmmm.. Ah yes… I see… hmmm…”

 

“Do you think you can help us?”

 

“Hmmm… Well, according to this, the Prince had something to do with the Bishop’s murder and he imprisoned the Minister unjustly! Alright, I’ll help you. You must go see the monks who live on an island south of Vancouver. I warn you, they will only teach their magic to… other powerful mages and wizards.”

 

Cartman smiled, “I’m a wizard!”

 

“Let’s hope you’re powerful enough to learn their spell then.”

 

The group headed south, going across the river by using a boat. Terrance and Philip were there, laughing to themselves and making fart jokes.

 

“Hey look at these guys! I bet none of them know magic!”

 

“Hey! I know magic!”

 

“Really now? Prove it!”

 

Cartman walked up to them, turning around and performing a dragonshout.

 

“Oh! A dragonshout!”

 

“Any magician's apprentice can dragonshout Terrance! It’s not like he farted into his hand and threw it at you.”

 

Cartman rolled his eyes, farting into his hand before throwing it at Philip.

 

“My god! He can cup a spell!”

 

“If he was really good, why can’t he sneak a fart behind your back Philip?”

 

Cartman rolled his eyes, farting into his hand again and getting it to float behind the duo before exploding.

 

“The sneaky squeaker!”

 

“So he is worthy of our training after all.”

 

“Come now young one, it is time for you to learn… Nagasaki.”

 

Cartman ended up getting knocked out when the duo farted again. Nothing seeming to be happening. They waited a few minutes before Cartman got back up, heading towards the doors.

 

“Use what we taught you to break down the wall that’s imprisoning the Minister! Good luck!”

 

The group left Vancouver, heading for the catacombs beneath Quebec. Cartman was bragging about how THE Terrance and Philip taught him a new fart, Kyle was ignoring him this time, Stan was rolling his eyes, and Clyde and Craig were talking to each other again, also trying to ignore Cartman at the same time. Tweek was the first to walk into the catacombs, looking around and shaking a bit. Cartman ran up ahead, going up to the rock in the way.

 

“Guys watch this! I’m going to be totally awesome!”

 

Cartman stood there for a minute, trying to get his fart to explode and become Nagasaki. It didn’t take too long and the wall crumbled from the might of it. He laughed, before looking back at the group.

 

“Wasn’t that awesome?”

 

“No! It stinks now fatass!”

 

“Hey, it opened the way! Tweek, go talk to the minister! Get that document translated!”

 

Tweek walked into the prison, going up to the Minister and giving him the records. The Minister of Montreal said something in french before starting to translate the paper for them. Seconds later he gave it back to Tweek, saying ‘Merci beaucoup!’ before leaving. They had the translated documents. It was time for them all to leave and return to South Park.

 

They had to beat Princess Kenny and Professor Chaos once and for all.

 

\-------------

 

“See! Look! Nancy Turner! 6:30 PM!”

 

“That’s Heidi’s mom! So Heidi was the two faced bitch!”

 

The girls burst out in a fit of rage, all of them getting angry about Heidi betraying them. It took about another half hour for the girls to calm down after talking with Heidi.

 

“Alright, so Heidi is truly sorry for what she did, so we’ve decided to forgive her.”

 

“I love you guys.”

 

“We love you too Heidi!”

 

Wendy smiled before looking back at the boys, “Thank you guys for all your help. We’ll play your game now. Just tell us when you need us and we’ll be there.”

 

Kyle smiled at them, “Thanks! Alright guys, let’s head back. We have a castle to invade in less than an hour!”

 

Tweek pulled at his hair, “Was I a help to you guys? Agh! That was so stressful!”

 

“Yes you were Tweek. Thanks for all your help.”

  
Tweek smiled, managing to calm down for the first time since they left for Canada.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wanna message me, send messages to darklordclyde.tumblr.com!
> 
> Or if you just wanna chat that's fine too.


	8. Professor Chaos

“Today… we join as one. We have two main enemies here, you may know them. One was once our fair princess, the other was once our Paladin! But now, we must pool together our forces and march through Kenny’s castle, and lay waste to their entire base!”

 

The army cheered, while Cartman turned to them, holding up his staff. Kyle walked up, standing next to Cartman. He held up his golf club before yelling.

 

“This entire place will fall before our might! The corrupted Princess and Paladin won’t be able to take us down! Even if we have to face their army of darkness and undead… We. Will. Not. Fall!”

 

Clyde walked up, “Now, one, two, three! Let’s beat up Kenny!”

 

The army let out a battle cry, before running through Butters’ house to get to the backyard. Luckily for everyone there, Butters’ parents were out of the house. Now was their only chance to strike. The armies of darkness were already ready for them, and Professor Chaos was seen running back into the castle.

 

“Hold them off! Don’t let them into the castle!”

 

Cartman saw the gate, turning around before unleashing nagasaki on it. The gate crumbled, allowing their army through.

 

“Clyde and Craig, go into the castle and fight through! Me and the pirates will climb the tower and provide aid when needed!” Stan started climbing, the pirates following him.

 

Clyde broke down the door, seeing three warriors. Two cyclops were above them, with fireworks ready to fire down at them. Craig pulled Clyde out of the way of one of those fireworks, pulling him under the railing before hearing Kyle yell out.

 

“Elves! Get in there and fight!”

 

The elven army ran in there, taking care of the barricade and sniping the cyclops. Craig and Clyde went up ahead, heading up the ladder. They could hear the moans of the zombies and Professor Chaos’ commands to the rest of the dark army. Without Chaos, the army would fall and they would be able to reach Kenny and defeat him. The zombies were the main problem for them at the moment. They were ZOMBIES. Why Kenny used them in his army was unknown. Zombies that could easily kill them and eat their brains. This was suppose to be a friendly game not them trying to actually kill each other!

 

Luckily for them, the zombies weren’t hard to sneak by. They managed to stay quiet and climb up the ladder, just in time to see Ike get kicked by one of the cyclops. Clyde walked over, picking up the lighter that Ike dropped and setting off the firework. It went straight for the right tower and destroyed it. The door opened halfway. Craig climbed up onto the roof, throwing a knife at the lantern to break the glass around it, as well as another knife at it’s chain to break it and cause it to fall, making the tower get set on fire. The door opened completely, allowing them to get into Chaos’ lair.

 

Craig climbed back down to join up with Clyde again, the two of them heading into Chaos’s lair. Chaos had been busy, getting General Disarray to pull  the ladder that would allow them to reach Kenny up. Chaos stood at the top of the ladder, laughing.

 

“Look at this, the forces of good, unable to do anything to stop us! We’ve won Disarray! There’s no way they’ll get up here!”

 

Craig pulled out his throwing knife, “Get down here and fight us or you’ll get this in your eye.”

 

“Whoa there Craig… no need to resort to throwing a knife at me. I’ll be down in a second. Disarray, are you ready to fight?”

 

General Disarray stood there for a second, before heading up the stairs, “I’m going to go protect the Princess.”

 

“Okay… Anyways… Let’s see how you fare against the might of Professor Chaos!”

 

Chaos jumped down, landing in front of them and pulling out two wires and a bucket of water. He dumped the water on Craig before dropping the wires into the water as well. He managed to electrocute Craig, who got away from the wires quickly once he realised what had happened. Clyde ran up to Chaos, starting a game of rock-paper-nuts before kicking him in the balls. The professor got back up, tears in his eyes. He shook his head, before pulling out his hammer again. Craig jumped behind him, before punching him and knocking him over again. Chaos kicked at Craig, knocking him over as well. Craig hit the ground face first, causing his nose to start bleeding. Professor Chaos got back up, looking over at Clyde before throwing his hammer at him.

 

Clyde got out of the way, picking up Chaos’ hammer before looking over at Craig. Craig was covering his bleeding nose, trying to stop the blood. Chaos pulled out a firecracker, setting it off and getting it’s flames to aim towards Clyde. The warrior got out of the way, before throwing Chaos’ own hammer at him, hitting Chaos in the gut with it. Chaos held his stomach in pain, dropping the firecracker and falling to the ground.

 

Craig kicked Chaos, who rolled away from him and picked back up his hammer, getting up and coughing a bit. He pulled out a fire extinguisher, turning it on and getting it to hit Craig in the face. One thing that’s the worst to get in wounds would be the baking soda that’s in the extinguisher’s chemicals. Which was exactly what Craig found out quickly after getting sprayed in the face with it. Craig fell over, groaning in pain.

 

“One down! One to go!”

 

Chaos turned to Clyde, smirking before pulling out his hammer and trying to hit him with it. Clyde kicked him in the balls again, before stealing his hammer and backing up. Chaos got back up, summoning a chaos shield to protect him. Clyde pulled out a taco, going over to Craig and getting him back up. Craig ate the taco before pulling out his dagger, getting behind Chaos and hitting the shield enough that it crumbled.

 

Chaos jumped back a bit, looking between Craig and Clyde. There was nothing he could do. He was out of firecrackers, he didn’t have enough power to electrocute one of them, and he didn’t have his hammer, nor enough power for another shield. Chaos kneeled, sighing to himself.

 

“You have beaten me. I’ll go and lower the ladder for you and let the others in.”

 

Professor Chaos climbed back up,lowering the ladder before blasting out the sides of the top part of the room to let in the armies of good. Kyle walked up to Chaos, glaring at him.

 

“Butters, what the fuck are you doing?”

 

“I’m not Butters. I’m Professor Chaos.”

 

“Is there a difference?!”

 

“Yes. Butters is my alter ego. I’m Chaos.”

 

“Whatever. Why the fuck are you helping Kenny?”

 

“Because I felt like causing Chaos and Butters wasn’t letting me so I took over and now I’m leaving cause I got beat. Jeez. Oh well it was fun until Clyde and Craig showed up and kicked my ass. I’m happy.”

 

Chaos shook his head, blinking a bit as he looked confused.

 

“Chaos, are you ok?”

 

“Oh, that would explain why I’m dressed up like him. I’m not Chaos. I’m Butters.”

 

“God damn it Butters. Anyway, Clyde, Craig, get up here!”

 

Craig and Clyde climbed up just as Cartman got in.

 

“Butters! Are you rejoining our forces?”

 

“Yeah. Sorry about Professor Chaos. He likes to mess around a lot.”

 

“Alright. Now, let’s move on ahead. we must defeat Princess Kenny!”

 

All of them went on, heading up the stairs. They had to hurry, there wasn’t much time left before Kenny would win. Of course, one thing they didn’t expect to find was Randy Marsh. Stan ran up to his father.

 

“Dad?! What the hell are you doing here?”

 

“Ah, my favorite kid!” Randy ran up to Craig, who backed up a bit.

 

“Listen, I found out why they were at the abortion center, they were looking for a candidate to put a snuke into!”

 

Craig rolled his eyes, “What’s a snuke?”

 

“It’s like a nuke, but it has to be shoved up a woman’s vagina or a man’s ass.”

 

“What.”

 

“They’re planning to nuke all of South Park!”

 

“Who?!”

 

“Those government guys we saw!”

 

“So where’s the person with the snuke?”

 

“He’s upstairs. Follow me.”

 

A short trip up the stairs was all it took for them to find the person Randy was talking about.

 

“Mr.Slave, can you tell us what happened?”

 

“Well I was-”

 

Craig interrupted him, “No. I don’t want to know. Just tell us what has to happen to stop us all from dying. Then we’ll be going to go get the stick of truth back.”

 

Randy was quiet for a second, “Someone who can turn small and has some knowledge of abortions must abort the snuke from the inside.”

 

Kyle and Craig gave each other a look before sighing, and talking at the exact same time, “God damn it.”

 

Kyle walked over to Butters, pulling him over, “You’re going to help us with this. We aren’t going in there alone.”

 

“Wait what?”

 

Kyle threw the gnome dust over the three of them.

 

“Oh look! They’re so small.”

 

Craig flipped Mr.Slave off, before Randy smiled down at them, “Alright boys, go up his ass and abort the snuke!”

 

“Careful up there. I might have put some bats up there the other night…”

 

\--------------------

 

“Ugh! This is so gross! Why the fuck do we have to do this?”

 

“Because I’m the one that can do abortions, you’re the one that can make us small, and Butters can heal us if we need it. Hopefully he can emotionally heal us too cause we’ll need that.”

 

“Fellas, it’s really dark in here.”

 

“No shit. It’s Slave’s ASSHOLE.”

 

Craig turned on his flashlight, looking around before taking the lead and heading in deeper. The Frog Prince’s spirit appearing.

 

“Children! The snuke lies up ahead. Get to the stomach! That is where it lies. You must get past the Sparrow Prince. Be ready to fight him and be careful of the dangers up ahead. Good luck!”

 

The spirit disappeared, and the three of them continued on like they saw nothing. Several times they had to get white goo out of the way, coughing a bit, and trying to ignore the smell. In order to do this, they decided to chat about stuff while on their way to fight the Sparrow Prince.

 

“So I kinda really like Stan, any ideas of how I tell him?”

 

“Kiss him.”

 

“Are you serious Craig?”

 

“Yes. I’m as serious as I can get Kyle. Just kiss him.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah. It worked for me when I wanted to tell Clyde that I liked him.”

 

“Wait, when was this?”

 

“A few days ago.”

 

“Oh. Alright I’ll try that.”

 

Butters was behind them, looking nervous, “We won’t hurt Kenny when we fight him right?”

 

“No of course not, why? Do you have a crush on him Butters?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“Don’t worry we won’t hurt Kenny.”

 

“Alright.”

 

“Do we have to walk through this guy’s asshole? Can we skip to us aborting the fucking snuke or something?”

 

Kyle’s vision went black for a second, before he found himself next to Craig aborting the snuke.

 

“Wait what the fuck?”

 

“What?”

 

“What just happened?”

 

“I stopped the snuke from exploding.”

 

“What? We were just- oh nevermind.”

 

\----------------------------

 

“Oh Jesus Christ!” Mr.Slave started coughing up something, Randy looking concerned.

 

“Are you ok Mr.Slave?”

 

A few seconds later, Slave coughed up Kyle, Craig, and Butters. Who all got back up. Butters pulled out a water bucket, dumping it on himself in a vain attempt to get cleaned. Craig ended up puking and Kyle walked over to Butters and grabbed another water bucket, pouring it on himself like Butters did. Butters rubbed Craig’s back, before dumping water on him too as Kyle turned them back to normal size.

 

“Is the snuke deactivated?!”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You three are heroes. You really are. Thank you so much.”

 

Craig recovered, coughing a bit, “Let’s just go get the damn stick back.”

 

Everyone but Randy and Slave yelled in agreement, before heading outside and across the bridge. General Disarray was by the door, busy fighting some of the elven army. The group walked in, seeing Kenny sitting on her throne with the Stick of Truth in her hand. A coffin sat next to her throne, connected to a barrel of the zombie goo.

 

“Princess Kenny! Step down now! You’ve lost this!”

 

“Have I Cartman?”

 

“Yes! We have the Paladin back on our side! You can’t win!”

 

“I have one. More. Thing. Up. My. Royal. Sleeves. And you won’t stop me!”

 

Kenny hopped down from his throne, walking over to the waste barrel and turning it on. The green goo went into the coffin, reviving the body in there. The lid of the coffin broke open, allowing the zombie inside to get free. Stan was the first one to realize who it was.

  
“CHEF!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about cutting off the part with Mr.Slave short but that part make me uncomfortable in the game and I wasn't about to write all of it.
> 
> Next chapter will be the final chapter! After that there MIGHT be an epilogue!


	9. The Final Battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify:  
> Clyde is wearing his evil overlord outfit, and has been since the invasion of the school.  
> Butters is wearing his Professor Chaos outfit and has been since he joined Kenny.
> 
> This is the final chapter! I am so glad that this is finished now!

“We can’t fight Chef!”

 

“But, Kyle, we have to.”

 

“Chef’s our friend though!”

 

“He’s a zombie.”

 

“Craig, it doesn’t matter. We can’t fight him.”

 

“Clyde, Tweek, are you two up for fighting Chef?”

 

Tweek pulled at his hair, “Agh! I guess man! This is so stressful!”

 

“Yeah. Let’s do this. I’m by your side Craig.”

 

“Hello childre- RAAAAWWGGGRRRRR!”

 

Zombie Chef threw chocolate- at least they hoped it was just chocolate- balls at them, forcing them to scatter in random directions to avoid it. Tweek pulled out his crossbow, aiming at Chef’s head only to miss and hit his arm. The zombie turned to him, before trying to bite Tweek’s arm. Fortunately for Tweek, Craig had managed to stab Chef in the back with a throwing knife and draw the zombie’s attention from Tweek to himself. Clyde pulled out his sword, trying to chop off one of Chef’s legs. The zombie hit him into the wall, causing the warrior to drop his sword. Tweek shot another arrow at Chef, hitting him in the face this time,  taking out out one of his eyes.

 

Clyde got back up, running over to his sword and picking it up again. Craig and Tweek had to move again due to Chef throwing his chocolate balls again. Clyde tried to stab Chef again, this time succeeding, and getting the sword stuck in his back. Chef tried to bite Clyde’s arm, only to get punched in the face about three times, the third time managing to break the zombie’s nose. He dropped Clyde, backing up a bit before looking at himself.

 

“Children! What have I done?!”

 

Tweek was holding his crossbow at the ready, still aiming at Chef, “Y-You tried to eat us man!”

 

“Ah shit, I’m sorry children!”

 

“It’s ok! You can’t control it!”

 

Kenny had more of the alien goo in a water gun, firing it at Chef so he would keep fighting. The zombie clawed at Craig, only for the thief to jump out of the way. Clyde jumped at his sword, grabbing the hilt and trying to get it free. Tweek shot an arrow at Chef again, trying to not accidentally shoot Craig or Clyde. The arrow hit Chef’s neck, causing his head to start tilting at a weird angle, but not stopping him from trying to get at Clyde. Clyde got his sword free, hitting Chef over the head with it before jumping off. Chef didn’t die. In fact, he looked at his hand before smiling.

 

“Hey children! I’m back!”

 

Kenny rolled his eyes, before setting a molotov on fire and throwing it at Chef, “Burn!”

 

Chef headed towards them, heading towards the three of them. Cartman walked in front of them, using dragonshout to defeat him once and for all. Kenny jumped down from his throne, sighing to himself.

 

“Well… That’s that. Congratulations. You guys win. The stick is yours again.”

 

Cartman laughed, “Ha ha ha ha! We still control the universe!”

 

Kenny rolled his eyes, walking outside to the other platform. Just as Tweek was about to grab the stick, helicopters were heard and soldiers dropped down from them. The main goverment guy grabbed the stick while the boys backed away.

 

“Oh no he has the stick.”

 

“So you boys are the ones who aborted our snuke?”

 

Craig sighed, “Yes we are.”

 

“That snuke was there to prevent a zombie apocolypse from happening. This town has zombies and it must be destroyed. These are orders from the president. Though… to be honest… it is impressive that you boys have managed to abort a snuke without it exploding. Who was the one that did the abortion?”

 

“That was me.”

 

“Interesting… so you’re able to stop nukes and all you care about is this stick?”

 

Cartman groaned, “Whoever controls the stick controls the universe dumbass.”

 

“Really? Then… I wouldn’t have to listen to a word anyone says to me. I could rule the world…” The government guy started laughing, before turning to the soldiers, “Back! Back I say! I rule the universe! I can do whatever I want!”

 

The guy ran off in the direction Kenny went, causing the group to follow him. Once they caught up, they found him swinging the stick around, trying to get it to work. Kenny was standing nearby, just watching in confusion.

 

“Haaaaaaaaaaa YA! Ha ya! Hm. How does it work? Show me how it works!”

 

Stan held back a laugh, “Pfff- Yeah right. As if we’ll tell you.”

 

“How about this… if one of you tell me, I’ll let the one that told me rule the universe.”

 

The boys stayed quiet, looking at each other. Would one of them betray the rest? Or will they stand against this man in hopes of getting the Stick of Truth back? Stan stepped forward, but not for what the government man had asked for.

 

“You seem to have underestimated the character of the fighters of Zaron! What binds us is more than that relic!”

 

Kyle was the next to step up, “And you fail to recognize the character of our alliance!”

 

Cartman walked forward, “And that even the Stick of Truth can’t sever our friendships.”

 

Kenny walked over from where he was standing, before grabbing the stick of truth and laughing.

 

“God damn it Kenny!”

 

“At least one of you has some sense.”

 

“But, why Kenny?”

 

Morgan Freeman appeared, walking up from behind Kenny, “Because Princess Kenny was born a half orc. Back when humans and elves lived together in the forest, the elven princess and an Orc named Dandar loved in secret. Dandar was the last one to possess the Stick of Truth. The child they had was a beautiful girl, a young girl who watched as everyone she loved was killed in cold blood. And that is why Princess Kenny has plotted, and waited, all this time, to take the stick from you. Because Princess Kenny is the true heir to the Stick of Truth.”

 

Kyle stood there for a moment, “Whoa… wait a second, why is it that everytime something convoluted needs explaining, you show up?”

 

“Because every time I explain something, I earn a freckle.”

 

Kenny ran up the stairs, before Kyle went after him, “Wait! Kenny!”

 

The group followed, heading up the stairs after Kenny, who stood on the highest platform of her castle with the government guy next to her.

 

“Don’t do this Kenny! You don’t want to go down like this brah!”

 

“No! Fuck you! I’m Princess Kenny and I do what I want!”

 

“Clyde and Craig,, kick his ass!”

 

Clyde and Craig stepped forward, Clyde pulling out his sword and Craig pulling out his throwing knife. Kenny shot at them with his bow, only managing to hit Craig in his arm. It was a toy arrow though, so it didn’t do much damage. All it really did was make his arm sore, so he disappeared into the shadows, reappearing behind Kenny and stabbing him in the back. Kenny got back up almost right away, blocking Clyde’s attack with his bow. The princess summoned her army of rats, getting them to attack Clyde and Craig. The two of them managed to kill the majority of the rats, causing the rest to flee in fear.

 

Clyde walked over to Kenny, starting up a game of rock-paper-nuts once again before kicking him in the balls. Kenny got up seconds later, summoning an unicorn and sending it at them. The two of them managed to avoid it, Craig disappearing and reappearing behind Kenny again, punching him in the back of the head. Kenny rubbed the back of his head, before noticing Clyde and being unable to block in time. Clyde hit Kenny over the head with the flat side of his sword, knocking him down once and for all.

 

Maybe.

 

“Take that Kenny! You’re no match for the fighters of Zaron!”

 

Kenny got back up, glaring at them before hiding the stick of truth in his dress. He pulled out a vial of the zombie goo, uncapping it before looking at the others.

 

“No wait! Kenny don’t drink that!”

 

Kenny didn’t listen. He drank the goo, turning into a zombie within a few seconds. Cartman backed up, “OH NO! ZOMBIE PRINCESS KENNY!”

 

Kenny ran back into the fight, no longer using his bow and instead, sending rainbows at them as an attack.

 

“This is your final battle Clyde and Craig! I’ll stand over here and cheer you on.”

 

Craig disappeared again, stabbing Kenny in the back. Clyde kicked him in the balls, both attacks ended up doing almost nothing to Kenny. Kenny sent zombie vomit flying at Clyde, the warrior having to move out of the way. Kenny summoned five extra zombies, who seemed to be copies of himself.

 

“There’s more than one Princess Kenny now! You can’t defeat Kenny you fiends!”

 

Craig summoned his own clones, “I got more up my sleeve.”

 

The clones of all of them disappeared, Craig taking care of the last Kenny clone by dragging him away and throwing him off the castle. Tweek walked up to take Craig’s place, while Craig stood by Cartman.

 

“My arm has a cramp, keep going without me.”

 

Tweek pulled out his crossbow, shooting several shots at Kenny. Kenny had used most of his power summoning the clones, so Tweek managed to do damage to him. Clyde ran up,stabbing Kenny through the chest and killing him.

 

“Oh my god! You killed Kenny!”

 

“You bas- Oh wait, nevermind, he’s back.”

 

Kenny got back up, throwing zombie vomit at them again. Tweek shot Kenny again, while Clyde kicked him in the nuts. Kenny used his rainbow attack again, which both boys managed to avoid. Tweek switched to his mace, using it to hit Kenny over the head with. Kenny pushed Tweek back, before summoning his rats.

 

“That’s right Kenny! Give these vermin a taste of their own medicine!”

 

Tweek drank his coffee, before managing to take out all the rats at once by spinning around with his mace out, sending a bunch of rats flying or killing them the moment he hit them. Tweek walked back a bit, falling over.

 

“S-Shit man… I’m down! My head is spinning…”

 

Kyle took Tweek’s place, “I was raised in the forest, that made me a total badass!”

 

Kyle rallied his elven troops, all of them having their bows at the ready.

 

“Ready… aim… FIRE!”

 

Kenny got hit by several arrows, falling over and dying for a second time, only to get up once again. Kenny barfed again, sending it flying at Kyle this time. Kyle wasn’t able to block most of it, coughing up some of it cause it got in his mouth.

 

“Aw sick!”

 

Kyle puked up some of it, before sending a golf ball flying at Kenny. Clyde tried to stab Kenny again, but it didn’t kill him this time. Kenny sent zombie vomit flying again, hitting Clyde this time. Clyde threw his sword at Kenny, picking it back up before Kenny could do anything.

 

“Kenny! Drink your zombie goo! You’ll be invincible!”

 

Kenny took out his zombie goo, uncapping it and starting to drink. Kyle disappeared before returning with Ike, preparing to kick him at Kenny.

 

“Oh no you don’t!”

 

He kicked Ike, managing to knock the vial out of Kenny’s hand and break it. Kyle ended up running off, chasing a crying Ike.

 

“Ah no matter! Princess Kenny still has plenty of tricks up her puffy sleeves!”

 

Kyle limped up beside Cartman, kneeling down.

 

“My leg is injured! Go on without me!”

 

Stan took Kyle’s place, holding his sword in the air before slashing at Kenny with it several times in a row. Kenny was still undead, getting back up and pushing Stan away before puking on him. Stan gagged, trying to get the barf off of himself. Clyde threw his sword again, getting Stan to pass him it since he was closer to it.

 

Stan pulled out his discus of might, throwing it at Kenny before running up and stabbing him with his sword again. The princess stood, still able to stand, but just barely.

 

“Kenny! Summon your magical zombie unicorn!”

 

Kenny summoned it, getting the unicorn to go after Stan. It ran towards him, aiming to kill. Stan was ready, however, and held his sword at the ready- waiting for the unicorn to get in range. He was almost there. Seconds later he managed to slice the unicorn’s head off, having to chase after his dog, Sparky, cause he dragged the unicorn’s head off.

 

Butters took Stan’s place, holding his hammer at the ready. Stan stood beside Kyle, rubbing his right hand.

 

“My swordhand has a cramp, I’m going to have to sit out for a bit.”

 

Kenny went on with the fight, sending more deadly rainbows at the two of them. Clyde slashed at Kenny, trying to kill him quickly. Butters pulled out a bucket of water, dumping it on Kenny before pulling out two wires and dropping them in the water, electrocuting Kenny. Kenny glared at them, before vomiting at Clyde, who blocked all of it. Butters healed Clyde, rubbing his back before turning back to Kenny and hitting him with his hammer.

 

Kenny punched Butters, before sending a rainbow attack at Clyde again. Butters hit Kenny over the head with his hammer, backing up next to Clyde and being ready to attack again.

 

“You’re done for now! Death comes for you heroes!”

 

Clyde whistled, “Mom! Death’s trying to kill me!”

 

Clyde’s mother’s ghost appeared, “Don’t you DARE touch my child!”

 

A blinding light was seen, and Death disappeared. Clyde backed up, coughing a bit.

 

“Sorry guys. I have to sit this out. Calling my mom back from the dead messes me up.”

 

Cartman sighed, “Well it’s just me and you now Butters. For the fate of the world!”

 

Cartman walked up next to Butters, “You wanna throw down dog? I’ll throw down!”

 

Butters threw his hammer at Kenny again, picking it back up before standing next to Cartman. Cartman pulled out a lighter, before turning around and sending a flaming fart at Kenny. That finished him off again, only for him to revive once more.

 

“He doesn’t stay dead! We can’t beat him!”

 

“No, we can! But we must… break the gentleman’s oath.”

 

“Cartman- you don’t mean…”

 

“Yes I do Kyle. It’s our only hope! Butters, hold the Princess back, don’t let her move! I’ll hit her with the final blow!”

 

“Got it!”

 

Butters snuck up behind Kenny, holding him there and not letting him move, “Now Eric!”

 

Cartman farted into his hand, sending a cup a spell at Kenny. It hit him in the balls, causing a bright light to envelop all of South Park. Everyone who was infected turned back, the fires disappeared, and the sky turned blue again. The people of South Park slowly came to their senses, not fully realizing what almost happened there.

 

“Daddy, we’re back to normal.”

 

“That’s right son, a grand wizard must have farted on a Princess’ balls.”

 

\---------------

 

Only four of them stood at Stark’s pond. Tweek, Kenny, Clyde, and Craig had went off elsewhere, helping their parents rebuild South Park from the ground up. The town was busy rebuilding the mall at the moment, while Butters, Cartman, Kyle, and Stan stood at the pond. Cartman held the Stick of Truth in his hand, about to throw it into the water.

 

“Are you sure this is for the best?”

 

Stan looked over at Kyle, “It is. The stick drove our friend to madness and nearly killed us all.”

 

Cartman threw it, the stick landing in the center of the lake and floating there. The kids watched as it was slowly submerged into the lake. There was a moment of silence before Cartman spoke.

 

“So what do you guys want to play next?!”

 

“How about dungeons and dragons?”

 

“Or Pharaohs and Mummies!”

 

“Do you have an idea Butters? Let’s hear Butters’ idea it’ll probably be hilarious and then we can laugh at him for it!”

 

Butters glared at Cartman, before flipping him off, “Screw you guys, I’m going home.”

 

Butters walked away, leaving the three remaining boys there. A few seconds later Cartman spoke.

 

“Wow. Butters is an asshole.”

  
Stan and Kyle only ended up glaring at him.


End file.
